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All jokes (1,743 jokes)
- My wife handed me two kayak paddles and asked, “Which one do you want?”…
- My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions…
- My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction
- My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before…
- My wife is turning 32 soon…
- My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning…
- My wife left me because I’m too insecure…
- My wife said: “Our new neighbors are so in love…
- My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender…
- My wife said to me “If I ever get Alzheimers I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me”…
- My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal…
- My wife says I treat our house just like a hotel
- My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”…
- My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche…
- My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila…
- My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new…
- My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn…
- My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension…
- My wife was dying…
- My workshop “How to deal with unreliable contributors” got accepted at a conference… And I just didn’t go
- Nearly everyone values a human life over the life of an fish, but few people value a single human life over the life of every fish…
- Never break someone’s heart, they only have one of those
- Never hit a man with glasses
- Never turn down a breath mint
- Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing…
- Nobody ever regrets playing Russian Roulette, they only regret inviting their friends
- “No GMO foods for MY family,” she said as she walked her pet wolf who’d been bred to have four inch long legs and respiratory problems
- No Nut November was pretty tough…
- No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect…
- North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media…
- Not all construction work is equally enjoyable…
- Not all mysteries are solvable, but the joy comes in the pursuit
- Not sure I’ve laughed more in a game than reading the files of my soldiers in Valkyria Chronicles
- Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today…
- Old people who can fix cars, make clothes and build furniture think young people are good at technology because they can click on a picture
- On 9/11, two men were arrested on George Washington’s Bridge with a truck full of explosives
- On a plane full of Internet users, a man starts having a heart attack…
- On a scale of one to invade Russia in winter, how bad is your idea?
- Once, societies sent astronauts to space to explore…
- Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam…
- Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts…
- One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike…
- One day, a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him…
- One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech…
- One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base…
- One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman…
- One day I’m going to be too lazy to breathe and just die
- One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies…
- One day the phone rang at an office and when the receptionist answered a man asked to speak to Mr…
- One man complains to another…
- One man’s software is another man’s nightmare
- One time I put my hand in the microwave to warm it, and then I realized and I thought “wow I am the stupidest person in the world”
- One whisky, 2 whiskies, 3 whiskies, 4 wihskies, 5 wihkseis, 6 wiihkseis, 7 wiyikhsiess, 8 iwyiskeisih, 8, 9, 10 wȩəhîywhïsɠyiyksiŝƨȅyiesɰs
- On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife…
- Only a mediocre person is always at his best
- Only anti-vaxxers will get this…
- On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher…
- On the right side of your brain, there’s nothing right…
- Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings
- Optimist: The glass is ½ full…
- Optimist: The glass is 1/2 full…
- Ordered “How to Scam” book months ago but still not arrived
- Our expectations for you were already low, but HOLY FUCK!
- Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction…
- Pedophiles are fucking immatures assholes
- People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain…
- People call me Blister
- People say smoking will give you diseases…
- People talk about being bound by the Pirate Code…
- People wait all week for Friday, all year for summer, all life for happiness
- People will swim in the ocean, even though there are definitely many corpses in it…
- People with Covid have no taste!
- Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros…
- Philosophy is a scam
- Picking the most inappropriate background music for class project on Alzheimer’s disease: “somebody that I used to know”
- Pickup artists and garbage men should switch names
- Pleased to announce my wife and I finally completed a six hour negotiation to pick out the movie she’s going to look at her phone to while I fall asleep on the couch
- Police: Knock knock…
- Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other
- Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house
- Pothead gets really high on some good shit and goes home…
- Prediction for 2035: RFID condoms replace remembering your date’s name among busy tech professionals
- prepares to sneeze* aa
- President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly…
- President Trump is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun…
- Professor X asks a girl, “what is your mutant power?”…
- Programming ProTip: `//` is the speedup operator…
- Pro tip: never trust a software engineer’s estimate for anything
- Pun enters a room, kills 10 people…
- Put Haskell on your resume even if you don’t know it
- Putin is visiting Ukraine…
- Put that you were Time’s 2006 person of the year on your resume/CV…
- QA Engineer walks into a bar…
- Rage Against the Machine never specified what type of machine they were furious with, but I reckon it was probably a printer
- Raise your children, and you get to spoil your grandkids…
- Rappers gonna rape
- Recruiter: can you explain this gap in your resume? …
- Relationship advice: Always make sure one of you have good credit
- Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? …
- Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY!…