Russia (13 jokes)

A heckler interrupted Nikita Khrushchev in the middle of a speech in which he denounced Stalin.
โ€œYou were a colleague of Stalinโ€™s,โ€ the heckler yelled, โ€œwhy didnโ€™t you stop him then?โ€

Nikita Khrushchev barked out, โ€œWho said that?โ€
No one acknowledged. There was a pin drop

Silence. After ten seconds Khrushchev in a quiet voice said , โ€œNow you know why I didnโ€™t stop him.โ€

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A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.
โ€œWhat are you reading, old man?โ€ he asks.
โ€œI’m learning Hebrew, comrade,โ€ replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, โ€œWhat are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.โ€
โ€œI’m learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham,โ€ replies the old man.
โ€œHow do you know you’re going to heaven? What if you go to hell?โ€ asks the KGB agent.
โ€œI already speak Russian.”

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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub.

The doorman stops them and says “sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai”.

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An American and a Soviet general meet and brag about their latest technology. The Soviet says:

“In the Soviet army we use robots to cut the hair of conscripts! They walk in, put their heads into a dome, it takes just ten seconds, and they’re done!”

“Wow, that’s amazing. But people don’t have identically shaped heads, do they?”

“Well, initially they don’t.”

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A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors.

The Russian said, โ€œI will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.โ€
He calls a sailor over and says, โ€œJump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.โ€
The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes.
The Russian says, โ€œThat, gentlemen, is courage.”

The American says, โ€œThat’s nothing.โ€
He calls over a PO and says, โ€œI want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return.”
The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes.
The American says, โ€œThat, gentlemen, is courage.”

The British admiral says, โ€œThat’s nothing. Sailor, come here.”
The matelot comes to attention and salutes.
The admiral says, โ€œI want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again.”
The matelot looks at the admiral and says, โ€œYou can fuck right off, sir!โ€
The admiral turns to the other two and says, โ€œAnd that, gentlemen, is courage.”

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A Russian general hears a voice from behind a hill: “A single Ukrainian is worth 10 Russian soldiers”.
The general sends ten soldiers to kill the Ukrainian. No one comes back.

The voice shouts again: “A single Ukrainian is worth 100 Russian soldiers”.
The general sends a hundred of his best soldiers. No one comes back.

Third time, same voice: “A single Ukrainian is worth 1,000 Russian soldiers”.
The generals sends one thousand soldiers, the best of the best.

After some time, a single one comes back, covered in blood: “it’s a trap! There’s two of them”.

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A Ukrainian peasant finds a genie in a bottle. The genie offers him three wishes. Heโ€™s a stupid peasant but he knows what he likes.

The peasant says, โ€œI want the Chinese to invade Ukraine from the east and then go back to China.โ€
So it happens and the Chinese army invaded Ukraine from the east and easily defeats the country.

For his next wish, before the genie can even finish his sentence, the peasant again asks for the Chinese to invade Ukraine from the east and then go home.
So it happens. And the Chinese defeat Ukraine from the east.

For his third wish, the peasant again asks for the Chinese to invade Ukraine from the east and go home.
โ€œI gave you three wishes,โ€ the genie cries. โ€œWhy did you ask for the Chinese to invade Ukraine from the east three times?โ€
“Because to invade Ukraine 3 times they had to go through Russia 6 times !”

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Brezhnev is speaking at a party meeting. “Who said that I can only speak when I have the speech in front of me? Ha, dash, ha, dash, ha, dash.”

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โ€” Do you have a hobby, Leonid Ilyich?
โ€” Of course! I collect jokes about myself.
โ€” Have you got many?
โ€” Two and a half labor camps already!

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In 2017, Trump went to meet Vladimir Putin in Moscow.

They had dinner at the Kremlin and sat down afterwards alone for drinks and cigars and to discuss business.

After a little bit Putin asks Trump “hey, you wanna see something?” and he rings a little bell that’s sitting on the coffee table.

A beautiful blonde walks in to the room, kneels in front of Putin, and without a word starts giving him a blowjob right there in front of Trump.

A few minutes go by and Putin smacks the blonde once on the back of the head, she gets up, and without a word leaves the room.

Putin smiles at Trump. “You wanna try too?” He asks.

“Yes” says Trump enthusiastically “but please don’t smack my head when you’re done”.

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