English language (51 jokes)

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because he needed 3² meals a day.

• 🔬 Scientist

A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference
For example:

Johnny ate his own lunch after school.

Johnny ate his own colon after school.

All the good faith that I had had had had no effect on the outcome of that sentence.

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder!

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric chair.

When they flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, such an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing two people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After a while, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

“You again? Dang! What do you want this time?”

“Two bananas please.”

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There’s no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over three people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

“Let me guess. Three bananas?”

“Actually yes! How did you know?”

“Too bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry.”

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

“I don’t get it,” says the executioner. “I didn’t let you eat any bananas!”

“It’s not the bananas”, sighed the prisoner. “I’m a very bad conductor.”

A man is walking through a graveyard when he sees another man squatting next to a grave. “Morning!” he calls out.
“No, just having a shit!”

• 💩 Poop

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O” said the rabbit.

• Dad jokes

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.

As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused, I stared up at him and he sneered back.
And I thought to myself, “well that’s a little condescending.”

• 🦽 Disability

A vegan said to me, “people who sell meat are gross!”
I said, “people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”

• 🍔 Food

boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods