Poop (7 jokes)

A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili.
The waitress says, “Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl”.

He looks over and sees that the guy’s finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, “Are you going to eat that chili?”
The other guy says, “No. Help yourself”.

He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down, sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, “Yeah, that’s about as far as I got, too”.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.
“What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke,” the guy protests.

“Just take a bite of the apple,” says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

“Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?”

The bartender tells him, “Turn it around.” So the guy does, takes another bite, and is suddenly quite pleased.

“It tastes like a coke! It’s a rum and coke apple? It’s a rum and coke apple! That’s pretty neat, pal.”

Another man approaches the bar, and asks the bartender for a gin and tonic. The bartender hands him an apple.

Confused, the man begins to question the validity of the bartender, when the first guy reassures him, “Buddy, try the apple,” and with a nod to his own, takes another bite.

The second man follows suit, and looks back at the bartender in exclamation, “Tonic! What’s this, a tonic apple?”

The bartender swirls his finger in the air and tells the man, “Turn it around…”

The man has a bite from the other side of the apple and is exuberant. “It’s gin! It’s really gin! A gin and tonic apple!”

The two men reveled in this discovery for a while, when a dwarf walked up to the bar, made his way onto a stool beside the men, and beckoned for the bartender. As he’s about to order, the second man interrupts him, “Oh, hey man wait! You should order an apple! You can get an apple that tastes like anything you want here! I’ve got a gin and tonic apple, and this guy’s got a rum and coke apple!”

The dwarf casts an incredulous look at the bartender, who plainly nods back in confirmation.

“Oh yeah?” He starts, “OK then, it’s been a while, gimme a pussy flavored apple!”

And the bartender hands him an apple.

The dwarf takes a big, expectant bite from the apple, and immediately spits it out all over the bar.

“Ughyuuk!!” He cries out, “This apple tastes like shit!”

The bartender swirls his finger in the air and tells him, “Turn it around…”

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A man is walking through a graveyard when he sees another man squatting next to a grave. “Morning!” he calls out.
“No, just having a shit!”

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

“You see”, Carl says “for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it’s components.”

Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.
Carl continues: “For the last five years, I’ve been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It’s perfect, because the guards just think it’s rats chewing on it.”
So Jim asks, “Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?”
Carl says “Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we’ll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers.”

Jim, disgusted, says “You have got to be kidding me!”
And Carl says “I shit. You knot.”

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When I travel, I usually pack underwear like “what if I shit myself every single day? Twice?!”

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When you say “poop” your mouth moves in the same way your anus does.
The same goes for “explosive diarrhea”.

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When you say “poop” your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.
The same is true for the phrase “explosive diarrhea.”

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