Teacher (19 jokes)

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says: “I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson

“And how about you, Sarah?”

“I wanna be Johnny’s whore”

• 🚺 Misogyny

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first.
“My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.”
The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.
“Very good,” said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.”
The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched .
“Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.”
“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.
“Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?”

The child said: “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”

• 🍺 Alcohol

A young boy says to his father “Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you.”
“What happened?” The father asks.
“Well, she asked me, ‘how much is 7 * 9?’ I answered ‘63’ , then she asked, ‘and 9 * 7?’ So I asked ‘what’s the fucking difference?’
“Indeed, what is the difference?” asks the father. ”Sure, I’ll go.”

The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, “Dad, have you gone by the school?”
“Not yet.”
“Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also.”
“Why?” asks the father.
“Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. ‘Now,’ he says, ‘lift your left leg,’ so I asked, ‘What, am I supposed to stand on…. my cock??’”
“Exactly,” says the father. “Alright, I’ll come.”

The next day, the boy asks his father “Did you go to the school?”
“No, not yet.”
“Don’t bother, I got expelled.”
Surprised, the father asks “Why did you get expelled?”
“Well, they summoned me to the principal’s office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher.”
“The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?” asks the father.
“That’s what I said!”

I can’t believe I failed my exam tomorrow.

I got thrown out of math class today.
The teacher asked me “If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?”

Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn’t the answer…

• 🍆 Sex

I had sex with my kid’s teacher.
I have to tell my wife how much I appreciate her taking a break from homeschooling the kids for a quick romp with me.
The pandemic isn’t all bad!

• 🍆 Sex

I used to smoke pot and go to class.
Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse.
Slink down low at my desk. Pray to god nobody asked me any questions.
I was the best teacher ever.

• 🌿 Drugs

I was passing by my son’s bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ‘Dad’. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands…

Dear Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing’s, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.
But it’s not only the passion, dad.

She’s pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.
We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!
Don’t worry dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.
I’m over at Jason’s house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home!

• 👪 Family

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: slides a $20 across the desk how about now?

• 💰 Money

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift in a large box. She shook it, held it up and said, “I bet I know what it is - flowers!”

“That’s right!” shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. “I bet I know what it is - it’s a box of candy!”

“That’s right!” shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son, little Johnny. The teacher knew that his parents drank a bit. She held up the box and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. “Is it wine?” she asked. “No,” Little Johnny answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. “Is it champagne?” she asked. “No,” he answered. Finally, the teacher said, “I give up. What is it?”

Little Johnny replied, “It’s a puppy!”