Teacher (19 jokes)

Picking the most inappropriate background music for class project on Alzheimer’s disease: “somebody that I used to know”

• 👵 Geriatry

Son to mother: “Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin.”
Mother: “Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop.”

• 🍆 Sex

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?
Teacher: I don’t know, can you borrow a pencil?
Student: Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word “may” to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking you whether I can borrow a pencil.
Teacher: Possibly so, in colloquial speech. Discerning context can help us decipher the nuance of each sentence on a case-by-case basis. However, as your teacher, my task is to teach you the intricacies and nuances of the English language with rigor, so that you may have a greater mastery of the language in order to effectively and precisely control what you want to communicate. In this case, the difference between the words “can” and “may”.
Student: Point taken. May I borrow a pencil?
Teacher: No, you may not. The state cut funding for education again.

• 🇬🇧 English language
• 💰 Money

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an ‘i’ in it.

Johnny: I is…

Teacher: No, Johnny, when you say ‘i’, it should be followed by ‘am’

Johnny: Okay, I am the 9th letter of the alphabet

“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex”
Yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time.

• 🍆 Sex

That awkward moment when you are so bored and say you have nothing to do but in reality you have a bunch of homework to do and you’d still rather being bored that doing it.

The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued.
“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”
No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student

Little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?” Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued. “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

“Your the 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 person online and you get a prize”
“Yay what is it”
“A computer virus”