Dark humor (37 jokes)

A little girl runs up to her mother and says “mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!”
Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.

When they get there, the woman cannot see the father’s corpse.
The little girl then exclaims “April fools! Daddy did it in the garage”

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All I desire for my own burial is not to be buried alive.

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A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, “Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”

The guy replies, “Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man says back, “That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”

The guy says, “No. They’re all at the funeral.”

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A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?”
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
“There’s no charge,” he says.
“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” she says.
“Honestly, ma’am,” the mortician says, “it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
“Then it was just a matter of switching the heads”

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Dark humor is like a child with cancer, it never gets old.

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Dark humor is like food, not everybody gets it.

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Depressing pickup lines

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.
Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.
Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.
Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.
Are you anti-depressants?
Because if I don’t have you every day I’m going to kill myself.
Are you a coffin?
Because I really wish I was inside you right now.
Are you a coroner?
Because I really want you to inspect my body.
Are you a death certificate?
Because I really wish you were mine.
Are you an electrical outlet?
Because I really want to stick my fingers in you.
Are you traffic?
Because running into you would really make my day.
Are you a sinking ship?
Because I’d really like to go down on you.
Are you death?
Because I long for your sweet embrace.
Are you the suicide hotline?
Because I really need to get your number.
Are you a hand grenade?
Because I really want to lay down on you.
Are you an exhaust pipe?
Because I really want to suck on you.
Are you a gun?
Because I really want to put you in my mouth.
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Does this smell like chloroform to you?

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A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well…until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones…and picked the worst possible one to start with.

Here’s the joke I told:

What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw your washing in.

One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.

Obviously I felt mortified as I didn’t know about it, and said “I’m so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?”

“No,” replied the guy. “He choked on a sock.”

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Every year, unknowingly, we pass the anniversary of our future death.

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