Dark humor (42 jokes)

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins.
I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.
Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

• 👫 Man and woman

I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.

I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions
Like, “who’s blood is this”, and “where did you get it?”

• 👨‍⚕️ Doctor

My ex-girlfriend was hit by a bus near my house. And I said to myself “That could’ve been me!!”

Then I remembered: I can’t drive a bus.

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“
I said, “This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

• 👪 Family

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

Nobody ever regrets playing Russian Roulette, they only regret inviting their friends.

• 💭 Thoughts

Rappers gonna rape.

They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline.

They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. But, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.