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Food (35 jokes)
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A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili.
The waitress says, “Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl”.
He looks over and sees that the guy’s finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, “Are you going to eat that chili?”
The other guy says, “No. Help yourself”.
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down, sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, “Yeah, that’s about as far as I got, too”.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
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A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:
- Cheeseburgers: $5
- Fries: $3
- Handjobs: $10.
He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, “Are you the one that gives the handjobs?”
“Yes, I am,” she replies seductively.
“Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”
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Am I eating healthy?
Yes! Today I ate aged organic milk tossed over seasoned tomato purée spread on baked whole health.
Well, it said “pizza” on the box.
An Aussie and a Maori walk into a bakery.
The Aussie steals three pastries and slips them into his pocket. He turns to the Maori and says, “Pretty slick aye, bro? The owner didn’t even see me.”
Unimpressed, the Maori replies, “Typical dishonest Aussie, bro. I’m gonna show you the honest way and still get the same result.”
The Maori calls out to the owner of the shop and says, “Bro, I want to show you a magic trick.” Intrigued, the owner comes over. The Maori asks him for a pastry, which the owner gives him, and the Maori eats it. He asks for another and eats that, too. He asks for a third and eats it as well.
The owner says, “C’mon, mate. Where’s the magic trick?”
The Maori points to the Aussie and says, “Check his pockets.”
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A vegan said to me, “people who sell meat are gross!”
I said, “people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”
Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50
Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.
Riceless.
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Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day,
Push a man into a volcano and the sun god will ensure a bountiful harvest this season.