Dad jokes (57 jokes)

6:30 is the best time on a clock
hands down

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A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The girl replied,
"Thanks for the Baghdad"

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A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender
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A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, โ€œWait! I'm a talking tree!โ€

The lumberjack laughed and said, โ€œAnd you will dialogue.โ€

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A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.
Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.

It was a brief case.

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...
At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happens.

There's never been a failure before. But because you cannot punish a person twice for the same crime, the court is forced to let him go free.

Within a week's time, naturally, the man, who is obsessed with trains, goes and steals another one. He doesn't care that he can't drive it or that he failed catastrophically before; he is obsessed with trains and his only desire is to operate one. As before, he crashes it, and kills several people. Again, he stands trial, and again, he is sentenced to death, showing no remorse, only delight that he got to operate the train.

His last meal request is a single banana.

When he goes to the chair, the executioner pulls the switch, but nothing happens. He goes free again.

The train-obsessed maniac, once more on the loose, wastes no time in hijacking a train and crashing it.

His trial is speedy, because this has already happened twice, and he is sentenced to death. They ask him what he'd like for his last meal.

"A single banana," he says.

"Oh, no you don't, you son of a bitch. We're on to you, now. We know all about your little banana trick, and you're not escaping this time!" The guards refuse his request, and instead serve him a standard last meal of steak, potatoes, and berry cobbler.

The next morning they strap him into the electric chair, pull the switch, and... nothing happens.

"Did you give him the banana?" demands the head guard.

"No, sir! He asked for the banana but we didn't give it to him, we swear!" says one of the guards.

Turns out the banana had nothing to do with anything.
He was just a really bad conductor.

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A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.
โ€œYou can't cut me down,โ€ the tree exclaims, โ€œI'm a talking tree!โ€
The man responds, โ€œYou may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.โ€

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A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.

The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"

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A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: โ€œwhatโ€™s your blood type?โ€
โ€œIโ€™m probably a type Oโ€ said the rabbit.

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A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof

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