Money (73 jokes)

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

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A businessman was interviewing job applicants for the position of manager of a large division.
He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate.

He simply asked each applicant this question, “What is two plus two?”
The first interviewee was a journalist.
His answer was, “Twenty-two”.

The second was a social worker.
She said, “I don’t know the answer but I’m very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it.”

The third applicant was an engineer.
He pulled out a slide rule and came up with an answer “somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001.”

Next came an attorney.
He stated that “in the case of Jenkins vs. the Department of the Treasury, two plus two was proven to be four.”

Finally, the businessman interviewed an accountant.
When he asked him what two plus two was, the accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, came back, and sat down.
Leaning across the desk, he said in a low voice, “How much do you want it to be?”

He got the job.

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball
The bartender agrees.

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it.
The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too
The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind.
The man pulls out his dentures and lightly chomps them on his other eyeball

The bartender is fuming, but gives the man his money.
The man then orders a beer, and walks away
The man walks back, and bets the bartender $1000 that he can piss directly into a shot glass while running, with 2 attempts.

The bartender knows for a fact that this is impossible, and agrees to the bet
On attempt 1, the man gets piss everywhere, and none in the shot glass.

The bartender smirks, with high hopes.

On attempt 2, the man once again pisses everywhere in the bar, except for the glass.

The bartender jumps up and down in excitement, knowing that he has won

Then another man in the corner of the bar screams ‘FUCK’

When the bartender asks what the problem is, the man says,
“That asshole just bet me $10,000 that he could piss all over the bar, and that you would be happy”

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer
“That’ll be five dollars”, says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor again.

The next day, the same thing happens.

On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and yells “here’s your change asshole!”

The guy looks down at the coins and says: “I’ll have another beer, please.”

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of $100 bills on the counter
He asks the bartender “Hey, what’s with the jar?”

The bartender replies “Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you’ll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out.”

The guy looks down to see a 6‘4 300lb guy and says “Well, I don’t think I can do that. What’s the other two parts?”

“After that, you have to go outside. Around back is where we keep Big Jim’s dog. He’s the baddest junkyard dog you’ve ever seen. You have to go get a tooth out of his mouth. And then, when you’re done with that you have to go upstairs. There you’ll find Big Jim’s mom. She’s 70 years old and never had an orgasm in her life. You’ve gotta go up there and fuck her to completion.”

The man says “Wow, I can see why the jar is so full.”

After a few hours of drinking the man get sloppy drunk and says “Fuck it,” slaps down a $100 and jumps up on the bar and runs down and kicks Big Jim square in the jaw knocking him out cold. The bartender is stunned, as this is the furthest anyone has made it. The man runs outside to the cheers of the patrons and everyone hears snarling and growling and grows silent. Moments later they hear the dog whimper and then yelp, then nothing.

Moments later the man drunkenly stumbles back in and says “Alright, now where’s the old lady with the tooth?”

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A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $18.40 please.” The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke.”

The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, “The usual?”

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad”, says the guy.

“Me too,” says the ostrich.

The waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $42.62.”

Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the guy, “several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the guy.

The waitress asks, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The guy sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

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A homeless guy asked me for money today.
I looked in my pocket and all I had was a $20 bill.
“Do I really want this money going towards drugs”?, I thought to myself.
“Nah”! So I gave him the $20.

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A little girl asks her father:
โ€” Daddy, what is corruption?
โ€” Go bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.
โ€” But mommy said you should stop drinking!
โ€” Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.
โ€” Oh, okay!

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A man went to a lawyer and asked what his fee was.
โ€œ$100 for three questions,โ€ answered the lawyer.
โ€œIsn’t that a little steep?โ€ said the man.
โ€œYes,โ€ said the lawyer. โ€œNow, what’s your third question?โ€

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A misogynist stood in the marketplace and announced: “Iโ€™m putting my wife up for sale! Tax-free!” When people asked him why, he said: “So the authorities will impound her.”

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