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Animals (45 jokes)

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a computer that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice โ€œJESUS is watching youโ€. He looks around with his flashlight wandering โ€œWhat The HELL Was That?โ€. He spots some dollars on a table and takes itโ€ฆโ€ฆOnce again he hears a voice โ€ JESUS is watching youโ€.

He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks โ€Was that your voice?โ€. It said โ€œYESโ€. He then says โ€œWhat's your name?โ€. It says โ€œMOSESโ€. The burglar says โ€What kind of person names his bird moses??โ€
The parrot replies โ€œTHE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER JESUSโ€.

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A farmer buys a young cock.
As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head.
Farmer yells , "You deserve it, you horny bastard!"

The cock slowly opens one eye, looks up at the sky and whispers , "Shhhhhh, They're about to land!!!"

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A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex.

The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy." "OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.

The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex. The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.

His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?" Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby." His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.

Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.

About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions' den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

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A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini.
He then walks back over to give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.

So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."

So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.

"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of $100 bills on the counter
He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks down to see a 6'4 300lb guy and says "Well, I don't think I can do that. What's the other two parts?"

"After that, you have to go outside. Around back is where we keep Big Jim's dog. He's the baddest junkyard dog you've ever seen. You have to go get a tooth out of his mouth. And then, when you're done with that you have to go upstairs. There you'll find Big Jim's mom. She's 70 years old and never had an orgasm in her life. You've gotta go up there and fuck her to completion."

The man says "Wow, I can see why the jar is so full."

After a few hours of drinking the man get sloppy drunk and says "Fuck it," slaps down a $100 and jumps up on the bar and runs down and kicks Big Jim square in the jaw knocking him out cold. The bartender is stunned, as this is the furthest anyone has made it. The man runs outside to the cheers of the patrons and everyone hears snarling and growling and grows silent. Moments later they hear the dog whimper and then yelp, then nothing.

Moments later the man drunkenly stumbles back in and says "Alright, now where's the old lady with the tooth?"

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A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, "The usual?"

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad", says the guy.

"Me too," says the ostrich.

The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $42.62."

Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the guy, "several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the guy.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The guy sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.
The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.

The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?"
The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?"
The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?"

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A husband goes to his wife and says โ€œYou're either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I'm fucking you in the ass. I'm gonna go get the dogs ready and I'll be back for your answer.โ€

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him โ€œI'm not going hunting and there's no way you're fucking me in the ass!โ€
โ€œAlright then, guess you're sucking my cock.โ€

So she starts to suck him off and quickly spits it out and looks up at him.
โ€œYour dick tastes like shit!โ€
โ€œYeah well, the dogs didn't want to go hunting either.โ€

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A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops, thinking "woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realize what happened.

He starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

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