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Animals (46 jokes)
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I once saw a woman talking to her dog. It was obvious she actually thought the dog could understand her! When I got home I told my cat about it and we both laughed and laughed!
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I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas.
“You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
It’s easy to have the courage of a lion, they’re gigantic and have claws and no natural predators.
Instead, have the courage of the guinea pig, a two pound meat potato with zero offensive or defensive abilities, that will scream at an ape a hundred times its size if their lettuce it too wilty.
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I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.
I said โno way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said โalright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing, I scoffed and went to the pub.
The next evening I thought I’d give it another try so I went to its tank again and said โalright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ Still absolutely no response from the centipede, so I went on my way, cursing the pet shop owner.
The following evening I thought I would give it one more try, so I went over to its tank and asked โalright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’
The centipede replied โI heard you the first time I’m just putting my fucking shoes on’
โNo GMO foods for MY family,โ she said as she walked her pet wolf who’d been bred to have four inch long legs and respiratory problems.
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SBF Seeks Male companionship. Age and ethnicity unimportant. I’m a young, svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods; riding in your pickup truck; hunting, camping, fishing trips. I love cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work; wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I’m yours.
Call 555-XXXX and ask for Daisy.
(The phone number was the Humane Society and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador Retriever. They received 643 calls in two days.)
The asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in Earth’s history.
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The cat who was completely obsessed with my bump when I was pregnant is quite uninterested in the baby now that she’s out. It’s a weird way to find out that my cat is a Republican.
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