Animals (49 jokes)

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put under a god damn tarp in the god damn shed.”

Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny’s parents aside and said “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.”

His parents replied “We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We’ve tried everything.”

Santa thought about it and said “Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asked for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.”
The parents agreed to try Santa’s plan.

On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath.

Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door.

Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop.

Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while his parents asked him sarcastically “So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?”

Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said “I think I got a god damned dog, but I can’t find the motherfucker!”

• 🎅 Christmas
• 👪 Family

Cow: you’re good.
Dog: you’re good.
Sheep: you’re good.
Chicken: you’re good.
Cat: you’re good.
Horse: you need shoes; I’m gonna nail ‘em to your feet

Dear Vegetarians, if you love animals that much, why do you eat all of their food?

• 🍔 Food

Dinosaurs literally got taken out on the same planet we walk on today and people still think we’re invincible.
You’re not better than a stegosaurus.

• 💭 Thoughts

Horses are actually great starter pets. They only live for about 3 days and you don’t even have to give them any food or water.

• ⚰️ Dark humor

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg?

Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

How to create a unicorn : kill a narwhal. Take his horn. Hammer it in a white horse’s head. Unicorn!
What? A dead one? Ungrateful bastard.

• ⚰️ Dark humor

I admire the way my cat approaches new things in life:

“Can I eat it? No, ok, can I cuddle or sleep on it? Hmm, no ok. Useless.”

If animals weren’t meant to be eaten, THEN WHY ARE THEY MADE OF FOOD?

• 🍔 Food

If you watch the world backwards it’s about a bunch of animals having sex until there are none left. That’s also what it’s about forwards.

• 🍆 Sex