Work (45 jokes)

A guy goes into the US Postal Services to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“OK, have you ever been in the military service?”
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”
The interviewer says, “that will give you 5 extra points toward employment.”

Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”
The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Disabled in your country’s service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points!! Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day.”

The guy is puzzled and asks, “if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don’t you want me here until 10:00 AM ?”
“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

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A guy takes up a new job.
On Monday he calls in and says, โ€˜I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, โ€˜I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, โ€˜He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’

So the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, โ€˜You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You’re a good worker and I’d hate to fire you. What’s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?’

The guy replies, โ€˜No I don’t drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure she’s alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know I’m fucking her.’

The boss says, โ€˜You fuck your sister?’

The guy replies, โ€˜Hey, I told you I was sick.’

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A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be a programmer,” said the balloonist.
“I am” replied the woman,”How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The woman below responded, “You must be a manager.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the woman, “You don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow it’s my fault.”

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing…

She replied, โ€œI’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.โ€
He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.
She said, โ€œI’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.โ€
Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his round, went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, โ€œLet me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.โ€
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales and he said he was in sales also.
He asked what she sold.
She replied, โ€œIf I told you, you would only laugh.โ€
โ€œNo, I wouldn’t.โ€ he said.
She said, โ€œI sell tampons.โ€
With that, he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, โ€œSee, I knew you would laugh.โ€
โ€œThat’s not what I’m laughing at!โ€ he replied. โ€œI’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!โ€

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Anyone who believes in huge conspiracy theories obviously hasn’t tried to get a small group of people to perform a simple task.

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As a responsible employer, during COVID all my staff was in a two week quarantine.
Productivity went through the roof since nobody could leave the office.

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As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself: maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

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Can’t wait for our cyberpunk future where roving bands of techno-thieves shoot down delivery drones for loot.

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Dear Bo$$,

A$ all of u$ have read from the new$paper report $ from Trevor Manuel?$ speech, the U$A economy ha$ come out of the rece$$ion.
In thi$ life, we all need $omething mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould show under$tanding for the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to our company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,

And the answer from the boss:

Dear Charles,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspapers are saying the world’s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. > >After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw.
You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,

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Due to company password policy we will be requiring all staff who get an iPhone to have their face surgically altered every 90 days.

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