Work (46 jokes)

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

I’m a hostess at a restaurant and my favorite thing to do is ask 14/15 year old boys who are out on dates if they want a kids menu.

• 👫 Man and woman

I no longer dislike Mondays.
I’m mature now, I dislike the whole week.

Interviewer: How do you explain this four year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit

I started a new job.
My boss said “Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky”. I said “My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick”.
She said “how do you get Dick from Kyle?”
I replied “you just ask nicely”.

Also, I’m looking for another job.

• 🍆 Sex

I sure am glad I’m not Sisyphus, cursed to forever do the same task. I am constantly making progress on my job and rewarded with new tasks.

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, “I want you to try and sell this to me.”

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually, he called my mobile and said, “Bring it back here right now!”
I said, “$200 and it’s yours.”

• 💰 Money

Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.