Work (45 jokes)

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

I’m a hostess at a restaurant and my favorite thing to do is ask 14/15 year old boys who are out on dates if they want a kids menu.

• 👫 Man and woman

Interviewer: How do you explain this four year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit

I started a new job.
My boss said “Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky”. I said “My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick”.
She said “how do you get Dick from Kyle?”
I replied “you just ask nicely”.

Also, I’m looking for another job.

• 🍆 Sex

I sure am glad I’m not Sisyphus, cursed to forever do the same task. I am constantly making progress on my job and rewarded with new tasks.

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, “I want you to try and sell this to me.”

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually, he called my mobile and said, “Bring it back here right now!”
I said, “$200 and it’s yours.”

• 💰 Money

Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

lol my boss just called me into his office and told me I’ve been spending too much time on stupid websites.
Hold on he’s saying something else now

• 🖥️ Technology