Blonde (7 jokes)

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!’

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies: ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
The following day, the girl says to her mother: ‘Mum, today we measured our chests in class and mine is the largest! Is that because I’m blonde?’
‘No darling, that’s because you’re 18.’

A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis
His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

“Good heavens!” she remarks “I always wondered how you reloaded those things!”

• 👨‍⚕️ Doctor

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”

The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”

The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”

The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”

• 🇫🇷 France
• 🇬🇧 United Kingdom

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: “Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
   5.The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.

“Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep one?”

The shepherd has hundreds of sheep and feels confident enough to agree. The redhead looks over the flock and says, “361.” The shepherd is stunned that she guessed correctly but, being a man of his word, allows her to pick out her favorite. The redhead is about to put her new pet in her car when the shepherd calls out to her.

“Hey Lady! If I can guess your real hair color, may I have my dog back?”

Betty and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their uncle they would bury him at sea when he died. Their uncle had been a seafaring gentleman all his life and it was to be his final wish. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They cast off from the shore with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto his rowboat. After rowing for quite some time, Betty says, ‘Do you think we’re out far enough?’ Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, ‘No, this will never do — the water is only up to my chest.’

So they row on some more, and Barbie slips over the side once again and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by while Barbie is under water and poor Betty is really getting worried. Suddenly, Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath.
‘Well is it deep enough yet, Sis?’ Betty inquires.
‘Yes,finally! Hand me the shovel.’

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole,” said Sven, “but we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, “Twenty one feet, six inches,” and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, “Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”

• 👷 Engineer