America (67 jokes)

77% of Americans are terrible at math. So glad to be a part of the other 33%!

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A Kickstarter where you donate yearly based on your income and they build roads and hospitals and your kids can go to school for free.

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America was not shut down properly.
Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare and without the guns?

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A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, โ€œI want to be President one day.โ€
Trump says, โ€œAre you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?โ€

The kid replies, โ€œYou know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.โ€

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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub.

The doorman stops them and says “sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai”.

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An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.
The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat.

The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English lady and was being used by her little dog.

The weary soldier asked, “Please ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”

The English woman looked down her nose at the solider and sniffed then said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see that my little pooch is using that seat?”

The soldier walked away, looking if there were any other unoccupied seats to use, but after another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself facing the woman with the dog again.

Again, the soldier asked, “Please lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted out loud, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also extremely arrogant!”

The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The Woman, at a loss for words; shrieked, railed and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentlemen sitting across the aisle spoke up and said, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window!.”

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A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He’s been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

“Best day? Well, that must’ve been the day that Old Man Jones asked me for help. You see, his pretty little wife had wandered out and gotten lost in the bayou. So we put together a search party and went looking for her. Just before sundown, we found her…”

This is great, thinks the reporter.

“.. and then we all fucked her. Best damn day of my life.”

“Holy shit,” yells the reporter, “that’s terrible. I can’t print that. Here, have another drink, and tell me about the second-best day of your life.”

“Second-best, huh? That might’ve been the day Jim Bob’s prize hog broke out of its pen and got lost in the bayou. He was mighty attached to that hog, so we put together a search party and went looking. Just before sunset we found it. Then, we all fucked it. Not as great as Mrs. Jones, but pretty damn good.”

“Damn it, man, I can’t possibly print that story,” says the reporter despairingly. He decides on a different tack. “How about another drink, and you tell me about the worst day of your life?”

Hillbilly’s face falls. “Worst day of my life? Well, that had to be the day I got lost in the bayou…”

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A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors.

The Russian said, โ€œI will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.โ€
He calls a sailor over and says, โ€œJump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.โ€
The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes.
The Russian says, โ€œThat, gentlemen, is courage.”

The American says, โ€œThat’s nothing.โ€
He calls over a PO and says, โ€œI want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return.”
The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes.
The American says, โ€œThat, gentlemen, is courage.”

The British admiral says, โ€œThat’s nothing. Sailor, come here.”
The matelot comes to attention and salutes.
The admiral says, โ€œI want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again.”
The matelot looks at the admiral and says, โ€œYou can fuck right off, sir!โ€
The admiral turns to the other two and says, โ€œAnd that, gentlemen, is courage.”

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As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there isn’t something trying to kill you…
โ€œSchoolโ€ is my answer.

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Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.
After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says “Ok, I’ll bite. Why are you invisible?”

Barack says “Well, I found a bottle on the beach and…then I rubbed it. And then…importantly…A genie came out. The genie said I could have…3 wishes.”

For my first wish, I said “Let me say this, and this is profoundly important…I want Michelle to marry me…I love her,…and I think America will love her too.”
That wish was granted.

For my second wish, I said “Like all patriotic Americans, I am deeply patriotic…and I want to be President…of the United States…so I can serve my country.”
That wish was granted too.

And then, for my third wish, I started by saying “Let me be clear…”

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