Alcohol (25 jokes)
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”🔗View joke
A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment.
The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
“What’s that gong for?” the friend asks him.
“It’s not a gong,” the drunk replies. “It’s a talking clock.”
“How does it work?”
The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, “For God’s sake, you asshole…it’s 3:30 in the god damn morning!”🔗View joke
A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball
The bartender agrees.
The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it.
The bartender angrily gives the man his money
The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too
The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind.
The man pulls out his dentures and lightly chomps them on his other eyeball
The bartender is fuming, but gives the man his money.
The man then orders a beer, and walks away
The man walks back, and bets the bartender $1000 that he can piss directly into a shot glass while running, with 2 attempts.
The bartender knows for a fact that this is impossible, and agrees to the bet
On attempt 1, the man gets piss everywhere, and none in the shot glass.
The bartender smirks, with high hopes.
On attempt 2, the man once again pisses everywhere in the bar, except for the glass.
The bartender jumps up and down in excitement, knowing that he has won
Then another man in the corner of the bar screams ‘FUCK’
When the bartender asks what the problem is, the man says,
“That asshole just bet me $10,000 that he could piss all over the bar, and that you would be happy”
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer
“That’ll be five dollars”, says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.
The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor again.
The next day, the same thing happens.
On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and yells “here’s your change asshole!”
The guy looks down at the coins and says: “I’ll have another beer, please.”🔗View joke
A little girl asks her father:
— Daddy, what is corruption?
— Go bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.
— But mommy said you should stop drinking!
— Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.
— Oh, okay!
A man was talking to a girl in a pub, when her mother came and joined them. Courteously, he stood when she arrived, then offered her a drink. She smiled, but shook her head.
The girl said ‘Mother does not drink - she tried it once, but didn’t like it.’
‘I see’ said the man.
The man then offered the lady a cigarette - again she smiled, and shook her head.
The girl said ‘Mother does not smoke - she tried it once, but didn’t like it.’
‘I see’ said the man.
‘I assume you have no brothers or sisters ?’
A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.
Looking at the barman, he says, “A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there.”
As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back.
The Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar
“Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf”
Nazi looks again at the Jew, and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before
“Is that Jew a complete fool or what?” he asks the barman
Bartender responds: “Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar”
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first.
“My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.”
The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.”
The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched .
“Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.”
“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.
“Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?”
The child said: “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”🔗View joke
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.🔗View joke
I like my women like I like my whiskey.
12 years old and mixed up with coke.