Alcohol (25 jokes)

The son went to his dad and asked him, “Dad, what’s an alcoholic?”
So the dad replied, “Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight.”

The son replied, “But Dad, I only see two.”

They made a Guinness with 0.0% alcohol… It’s like kissing your sister, it tastes the same but you know it’s just not right.

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and starts sucking on it. The bartender forgetting that they had not paid yet thinks something else is going on so he kicks them out.

They repeat this for around 15 more bars and are hammered.
Then the first guy says “damn my back hurts from bending over so much!”
The second says “you think that’s bad? I lost the sausage seven bars ago”

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

An Uber. Friends don’t let friends drive drunk.

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.
Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn’t like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian’s she didn’t like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn’t. I drank it.

I thought maybe she’d like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson’s; nope!
In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar’s finest scotch. She wouldn’t even smell it. What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized she just didn’t like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!!!

• 👪 Family