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Doctor (49 jokes)

A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."

The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey.
One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first."
The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey.
Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."

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A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me my $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to try to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I can't remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 14 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I cannot see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!โ€
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

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A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, โ€œWhat kind of car ya got there, sonny?โ€
The doctor replies, โ€œA Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!โ€
โ€œThat's a lot of money,โ€ says the old man. โ€œWhy does it cost so much?โ€
โ€œBecause this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!โ€ states the doctor proudly.

The moped driver asks, โ€œMind if I take a look inside?โ€
โ€œNo problem,โ€ replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, โ€œThat's a pretty nice car, all right, but I'll stick with my moped!โ€

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror โ€“ what it could beโ€ฆand suddenlyโ€ฆ
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster!

โ€œWhat on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?โ€ the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, โ€œOh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?โ€
The old man whispers, โ€œUnhook my suspenders from your side mirror.โ€

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After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.
She said, โ€œYou may not feel anything from the waist down.โ€

โ€œFair enough,โ€ I replied, and felt her breasts.

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A husband notices his wife's hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.
โ€œI can't speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old ageโ€ he says to the doc.

โ€œThere's a simple trick you can try to determine her hearingโ€ explains the doctor. โ€œSimply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn't hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she doesโ€.

That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, โ€œwhat a perfect opportunity to test her hearingโ€.

He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;
โ€œWhat's for dinner honey?โ€

No answer. He moves closer.
โ€œWhat's for dinner honey?โ€

Still no answer. He moves even closer.
โ€œWhat's for dinner honey?โ€

Still his wife doesn't answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
โ€œWhat's for dinner honey?โ€
โ€œFOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE'RE HAVING CHICKENโ€

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A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"

The man replies, "like a glove."

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A man is being released from a US hospital.
As he is being escorted out by a nurse, he passes by a patient's room with the door open and sees that the male patient is masturbating furiously. Confused, he turns to the nurse and asks, โ€œWhat the hell is going on here?!โ€

The nurse replies, โ€œYou see, this man has a serious condition where if he does not masturbate profusely every 2 hours, a blood clot would form and he would surely die.โ€
โ€œOh, I guess I can understand thatโ€, says the man.

So they keep walking, and in the next room he finds a male patient receiving a blow job from a nurse. So the man turns to the nurse escorting him and proclaims, โ€œOk, now you have some explaining to do.โ€
The nurse shrugs, and then replies, โ€œSame problem, better insurance.โ€

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A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis
His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

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A man suspected of SARS is lying in bed with a mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies: "I don't know Mr. *, I'm only here to wash yourface and hands."
He struggles again to ask: "Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies: "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
The Head Nurse was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.
"Nurse," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of long-standing, the Head Nurse was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced: "Nothing wrong with your testicles."

At this the man pulled off his mask and asked again: "I SAID... Are my TESTS RESULTS BACK!!!???"

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A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition.

On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"
He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!", says the wife, "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday. But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"

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