Military (14 jokes)

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly.

The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say,
“That’s not it” and put it down again.

This went on for some time until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.
The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled, and said, “That’s it.”

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.
That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realizes there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to find a queue of naked men leading into the mosque. At the front, the mosque leader is in prayer with the man leading the line.

As the prayer finishes, he drops to his knees and swings his fist into the naked guys balls, flooring him! The naked guy slowly comes to his senses and crawls out of the mosque.

Confused, the marine asks the mosque leader what’s going on…

“These men are thieves, rapists and murderers from all over Afghanistan.” He says, “Instead of prison, their punishment is to walk through the desert in nothing but their sandals, receive Allah’s justice, then return home.”

The marine returns to his post and continues to watch these unusual punishments.

After six long months of no bed, no clean water, no toilet and witnessing this unusual justice system, his replacement arrives.

“Hey, my last post was in Korea, how is it here?” asks the replacement. “And what’s with this queue of naked guys in the middle of nowhere!?”

“Well, I’ll be honest with you”, replies the marine, “this a shit post, and what you’re looking at here is a criminal punch line.”

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An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.
The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat.

The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English lady and was being used by her little dog.

The weary soldier asked, “Please ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”

The English woman looked down her nose at the solider and sniffed then said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see that my little pooch is using that seat?”

The soldier walked away, looking if there were any other unoccupied seats to use, but after another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself facing the woman with the dog again.

Again, the soldier asked, “Please lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted out loud, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also extremely arrogant!”

The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The Woman, at a loss for words; shrieked, railed and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentlemen sitting across the aisle spoke up and said, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window!.”

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A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors.

The Russian said, โ€œI will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.โ€
He calls a sailor over and says, โ€œJump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.โ€
The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes.
The Russian says, โ€œThat, gentlemen, is courage.”

The American says, โ€œThat’s nothing.โ€
He calls over a PO and says, โ€œI want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return.”
The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes.
The American says, โ€œThat, gentlemen, is courage.”

The British admiral says, โ€œThat’s nothing. Sailor, come here.”
The matelot comes to attention and salutes.
The admiral says, โ€œI want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again.”
The matelot looks at the admiral and says, โ€œYou can fuck right off, sir!โ€
The admiral turns to the other two and says, โ€œAnd that, gentlemen, is courage.”

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A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, โ€œPlease, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.โ€
The nun agreedโ€ฆ

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, โ€œSister, have you seen a soldier?โ€
The nun replied, โ€œHe went that way.โ€

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, โ€œI can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq.โ€
The nun said, โ€œI understand completely.โ€
The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of ballsโ€ฆ. I don’t want to go to Iraq either…”

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A woman asked an Army General when was the last time he had made love to a woman.

The general replied “1956, ma’am.” The woman, in disbelief said “1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better.”
The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said “Well, you sure haven’t forgotten anything since 1956…” The general looked at her, confused, and replied “I sure hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”

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Dad: Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.
Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic
Dad: Never said I was a good one

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I divide my officers into four classes; the clever, the lazy, the industrious, and the stupid.

Each officer possesses at least two of these qualities.
Those who are clever and industrious are fitted for the highest staff appointments.
Use can be made of those who are stupid and lazy.
The man who is clever and lazy however is for the very highest command; he has the temperament and nerves to deal with all situations.
But whoever is stupid and industrious is a menace and must be removed immediately!

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I was chatting with this military bloke the other day, and the subject got onto how many women we have slept with.
I could see he started to count his, but the next thing I know he fell asleep.

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Jones got assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
“If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.
If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.
Now,” he concluded, “which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

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