Military (14 jokes)

The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.
All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get $10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure between the tips of his middle fingers with his arms spread wide.
Second was the Air Force, who chose the top of his head to the soles of his feet.
Then came the Marine General: “I want you to measure from the tip of my dick to my balls.”

The men running the measuring laughed and then asked him, seriously, where he wanted to measure.

“I am being serious. Now start measuring.”

The men tried to dissuade him but he was adamant. Finally, resigned, one of the men takes the measuring tape and goes to take the measurement. When the general removed his pants the man jumped up in alarm.
“Sir! Where are your balls?!?”
“IN VIETNAM!”

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.
Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.
One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”
“No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it.

When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it.
The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked.
“This fighting between our services?”
“Yeah, spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”

What does sex and the U.S. Military have in common?

When you pull out at the wrong time you end up wasting 20 years and a lot of money

• 🍆 Sex

What’s the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?

I wouldn’t know, I’m just the drone operator.

• ⚰️ Dark humor