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Genie and wishes (12 jokes)

A computer is like a mischievous genie. It will give you exactly what you ask for, but not always what you want.
Joe Sondow
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A genie granted me one wish, so I said "I just want to be happy."
Now I'm living in a cottage with six dwarves and working in a mine.

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A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, "The usual?"

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad", says the guy.

"Me too," says the ostrich.

The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $42.62."

Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the guy, "several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the guy.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The guy sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

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A man rubbed a lamp and an elegant genie exited from the lamp
The genie said, โ€œYou have released me from my bronze prison, you may now ask me three wishes of your likingโ€

The man, a clever one indeed, said, โ€œI wish for infinite wishes.โ€
The genie responded with, โ€œI am afraid that is against the rules.โ€
The man said, โ€œI thought you could do anything, canโ€™t you?โ€
The genie let the man know that he could indeed perform that wish, but refused because it would tear society apart

The man said, โ€œOkay thenโ€ฆ uhh.. gimme an umbrella,โ€
The genie, a little confused now, granted his wish.

The man then said, โ€œNow I want you to stick it up your ass.โ€
The genie shoved the umbrella up his ass and groaned in pain and said, โ€œOkay weirdo, I completed your second wish. What else would you like?โ€

The man responded with a dark tone to his voice, โ€œNow give me infinite wishes before I make you open the umbrella.โ€

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A man stumbles across an old lamp in his work office. Figuring his luck has to change, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. The genie explains to him that he gets three wishes, and whatever he wishes for, his boss gets double.

The man asks for his first wish. He says: "The first thing I want is a million dollars."
The genie says: "Okay, but you know that your boss gets two million."

The man said: "That's okay. My second wish is for a large house on a remote tropical paradise."
The genie says: "Then your boss will have two beautiful houses."

The man replied: "That's fine. Now for my third wish. I want you to donate one of my kidneys."

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A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"
The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would have to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts playing classical music like Beethoven and Chopin.

Once he finishes, the bartender is in utter disbelief. He tells the man "You can have free drinks for the rest of the night, but only if you tell where you got this." The man says "In the alley way behind your bar, there is a Genie who is granting free wishes to everyone who wants them." Elated, the bartender heads behind his bar to see if it was true.

A few minutes passed and out of the alleyway erupts a cacophony of quacking. The bartender rushes back into the bar and shuts his door against a wave of thousands of ducks. He manages to secure the door and says to the man "I think that the Genie is hard of hearing, because after I asked for a million bucks, these ducks appeared by the thousands."

The man chuckles and says "Did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

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A Ukrainian peasant finds a genie in a bottle. The genie offers him three wishes. Heโ€™s a stupid peasant but he knows what he likes.

The peasant says, โ€œI want the Chinese to invade Ukraine from the east and then go back to China.โ€
So it happens and the Chinese army invaded Ukraine from the east and easily defeats the country.

For his next wish, before the genie can even finish his sentence, the peasant again asks for the Chinese to invade Ukraine from the east and then go home.
So it happens. And the Chinese defeat Ukraine from the east.

For his third wish, the peasant again asks for the Chinese to invade Ukraine from the east and go home.
โ€œI gave you three wishes,โ€ the genie cries. โ€œWhy did you ask for the Chinese to invade Ukraine from the east three times?โ€
"Because to invade Ukraine 3 times they had to go through Russia 6 times !"

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Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.
After attracting the bartender's attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it. And then...importantly...A genie came out. The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I think America will love her too."
That wish was granted.

For my second wish, I said "Like all patriotic Americans, I am deeply patriotic...and I want to be President...of the United States...so I can serve my country."
That wish was granted too.

And then, for my third wish, I started by saying "Let me be clear..."

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Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You son of a bitch

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Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I want a world without lawyers.
Genie: Done. That concludes your wishes.
Me: But you said I have 3 wishes?
Genie: Sue me.

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