Christian (45 jokes)

A couple want to have children but the wife can’t get pregnant so they go to see a priest for advice.

The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for ten years, and he’s leaving tomorrow.
‘As soon as I’ll get there, I’ll immediately light a candle for you,’ he promises.
Time passes and the priest returns to the little town after 10 years. The first thing he does is visit the couple’s home. He can hear a crazy loud noise when he knocks on the door. The wife opens the door; three little children on her arms, a couple of them hiding under her skirt, and others behind her playing around. The priest counts as many as ten of them!
‘Well this is quite a pleasant surprise,’ exclaims the priest. ‘It seems like God listened to my prayer. But where is your dear husband?’
‘My husband traveled to Rome,’ says the wife with a tired look on her face.
‘To Rome? Why on earth would he go to Rome?’
‘To blow out that bloody candle you lit!’

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A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah’s Witness are lost.
They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

“I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn,” says the Farm Owner.

The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it’s no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

“I’m sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me.”

“No problem,” says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. “There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings.”

“I will go then, friends,” says the Jehovah’s Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It’s the cow and the pig.

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That’s nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That’s my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes, it’s..”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball glove.”
Man: ‟That’s nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the glove was again?”
Boy: ‟$750.”
Man: ‟Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, ‟I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, ‟$1,000.”
The father says, ‟It’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, ‟Dark in here.”
The priest says, ‟Do not start that shit again.”

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A Jewish man decides his son isn’t religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.
When the son comes back, however, he says he’s a Christian now.

The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says “that’s funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian.”

The two men decide they should speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation, the rabbi says “that’s funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian.”

The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud “dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian.”

God’s voice booms down “that’s funny…”

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing… they keep saying ‘Hi, we’re hot… do you want to fuck us?’”

“That’s terrible!” says the priest. “But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots… to whom I’ve taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord.”

So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest’s house.
The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re hot. Do you want to fuck us?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, “put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!”

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Aliens come to earth, and they happen to be really nice.
There’s a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, “Do you know of Jesus Christ?”
The aliens say, “Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!”
The Pope exclaims, “Every couple of years?? What!!?? We’re still waiting for his second coming!”
The alien replies, “Maybe he didn’t like your chocolate?”
The Pope is flabbergasted, “What does chocolate have to do with anything?”
The alien says, “Well when he came the first time, we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys give him?

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A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.” 

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

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An airplane was about to crash. There were four passengers on board, but only three parachutes.

The first passenger said, ‘I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can’t afford to die.’ So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Donald Trump, said, ‘I am the US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don’t want me to die.’ He took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, the Pope, said to the fourth passenger, a ten year-old schoolboy, ‘My son, I am old and don’t have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.’

The little boy said, ‘That’s okay, Your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for you. America ‘s smartest President took my schoolbag…’

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An American evangelist was touring around Ireland spreading his message.

One of his stops was in a small village hall and only about 40 people turned up to listen.
After around 15 minutes of a sermon, he called out,” If there is anyone here who would like to be healed come to the front.”

A man on crutches hobbled up to him,
”Whats your name and what do you want?” asked the evangelist.
“Fred,” was the reply,“ and I would like to be able to walk again.”
“OK,” said the evangelist, “go behind that curtain, is there anybody else here who would like to be healed?”

Up came another man.
“What is your name and what do you want?”
“Ppppatrick,” said the man,” and I wwwould like ttto ttalk without a sssstammer.”
“Patrick, go behind the curtain!” said the evangelist.

He then said to the audience,
”I want you to pray for these two men for ten minutes solid.”

At the end of the ten minutes, he said,
”Fred throw out your crutches!”A pair of crutches flew over the curtain.
“Patrick say something!”
“Fffreds fffell over.” was the reply.

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An attractive young woman on a flight asked the priest beside her:
“Father, may I ask a favor?”
“Of course child. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?”
“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you,” she replied.

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
“Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.”
The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
“And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
Father replied:
“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused.”

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