Psychiatrist (14 jokes)

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly.

The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say,
“That’s not it” and put it down again.

This went on for some time until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.
The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled, and said, “That’s it.”

• 🪖 Military

A guy asked a girl in a university library: “Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice: “NO! I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”
All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed.

After a while the girl walked quietly over to the guy’s table and said: “I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT’S TOO MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered “I guess you felt bad for what you did earlier, right? I study law; I know how to make someone feel guilty.”

• ⚖️ Lawyer

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice “13…….13…….13………13″.
The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye.
The moaning voice then groaned ‘14………14………14…….14.’

Anxiety tip: next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago, try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments.

You can’t, can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

“You all have obsessions,” he observed.

To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go.”

Before therapy: I think I’m fucked up
After therapy: I’m officially fucked up

Have spent morning testing Stephen Fry’s gender theories by asking random women for sex… He’s right! They’re just not interested.

• 🍆 Sex

Man, how hot do you think Freud’s mom was?

Me and my shadow are in couples therapy.

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them…

I did that and I feel much better but I’m wondering…do I keep the letters?