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Antiquity (10 jokes)

A man is attending the burial of his wife, who has just died. When a passerby asks, "Who is it who rests in peace here?", he answers, "Me, now that I'm rid of her!"

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A misogynist stood in the marketplace and announced: "Iโ€™m putting my wife up for sale! Tax-free!" When people asked him why, he said: "So the authorities will impound her."

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An intellectual got a slave pregnant.
At the birth, his father suggested that the child be killed. The intellectual replied: "First murder your own children and then tell me to kill mine!"

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A provincial man has come to Rome, and walking on the streets was drawing everyone's attention, as he was a real double of the emperor Augustus.
The emperor, having brought him to the palace, looks at him and then asks: "Tell me, young man, did your mother come to Rome anytime?"
The reply was: "She never did. But my father frequently was here."

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A runner going to participate in a contest had a dream that he was driving a quadriga. Early in the morning he goes to a dream interpreter for an explanation. The reply is: "You will win, the dream meant you have the speed and the strength of horses." But, to be sure, the runner visits another dream interpreter. This one replies: "You will lose. Donโ€™t you understand that four ones came to me before you?"

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How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?
Stab it twenty-three times.
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I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......
Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!

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One man complains to another:
"The slave you sold me died!"
"By the gods!", the other replies. "During the time he was in my service, he never did such a thing!"

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They say โ€œdonโ€™t look a gift horse in the mouthโ€
The most famous gift horse in history became a huge problem because no one bothered to look inside.

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Two old men are arguing about the history and the splendors of Athens and Rome.

The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"
The Italian says "Yes, maybe, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"
The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"

The Greek man says "Yes, but we created beautiful architecture like the Parthenon!"
The Italian says "And we improved your building techniques, and used them to create aqueducts and structures that stood for centuries longer!"

The Greek man, frustrated, finally says "Ah, of course. But the Greeks, we INVENTED lovemaking!"
The Italian man stops a moment to think, then says:
"That may be true, but WE introduced it to women!"

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