Man and woman (113 jokes)

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!
Everyone was curious and asked her: “why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?”

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: “Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my daughter-in-law always asks my son :

“If your mom and I fall into water, whom will you save first?
And because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, I am learning to swim!”

A few days later husband and wife were quarrelling again and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked: “now tell me! If your mom and I fall into water, whom will you save first?”

Husband replied:
“I don’t have to get into the water, my mom knows how to swim, she will save you.”

Wife refused to relent: “No, you have to jump into the water, and have to save one of us”.
Husband replied: “Then you will surely die…. because I don’t know to swim …. and my mom will definitely save me first.”

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A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive womanโ€ฆ
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

“No”, he replies, “I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

The cowboy explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”

The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”

“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, “Damn thing’s an hour fast.”

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A father on his way home from work suddenly remembered it was his daughter’s birthday. So, he pulls into a shopping center, goes into a toy store and asks โ€œHi, how much do your Barbies dolls cost?”

The clerk answers “Which one would you like? We have Workout Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
Veterinary Barbie for $19.95,
and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.โ€

The amazed Dad asks “What? Why is the divorced Barbie $265.95 when all the others are only $19.95?”

The clerk rolls her eyes, sighs and answers: “Sir, divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s truck, Ken’s fishing boat, Ken’s furniture, Ken’s dog, Ken’s computer, one of Ken’s friends and a key chain made from Ken’s testicles!

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After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years
But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it.

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A husband is doing crossword with his wife.

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.
Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.
W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.
W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.
W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters
W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters
W: Up

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.
โ€œI can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old ageโ€ he says to the doc.

โ€œThere’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearingโ€ explains the doctor. โ€œSimply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she doesโ€.

That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, โ€œwhat a perfect opportunity to test her hearingโ€.

He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;
โ€œWhat’s for dinner honey?โ€

No answer. He moves closer.
โ€œWhat’s for dinner honey?โ€

Still no answer. He moves even closer.
โ€œWhat’s for dinner honey?โ€

Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
โ€œWhat’s for dinner honey?โ€

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A little girl asks her mother, โ€œMommy, how was I born?โ€

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: โ€œOnce upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we fucked without a condom.โ€

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A man goes into a brothel.
He says to the madam, “Hi, I’m a traveling salesman, I’ve been on the road for eight weeks. I’ll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house.”

She says, “The worst…? For $100 you can have the best blow-job in the house!”

He says, “No, it’s all right, I’m not horny, I’m homesick.”

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,’ she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’

‘No,’ she replies… ‘You just happened to catch my eye.’

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A man notices his wife’s butt is getting big…
โ€œI bet your butt is as big as my grill.โ€

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they’re about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. โ€œNot tonight,โ€ says his wife.

He asks her why not, to which she responds, โ€œDo you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weiner?โ€

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