I came, I clicked,
Man and woman (114 jokes)
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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said, “I have a praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
(You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.)
“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”
(Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.)
“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
(All the men sighed with unified relief.)
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium.
He said, “I’m Tom Smith.” The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my wife — the word is sternum.”
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This girl really hated me and wanted to ruin my reputation or something.
So one day i was talking to a boy and she came up and really obnoxiously said “you know she has a crush on you right?” and he was like “man i hope so or else this is gonna get really awkwardโ.
She fuckin told my boyfriend that I liked him.
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This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!”
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn’t waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!
Afterwards she said, “Thanks.” and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”
She giggled, “The egg timer’s broken.”
Three guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex
They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.
Next day comes along and they meet to discuss.
Guy #1 says โI fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.โ
Guy #2 says โthat’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo in her ass at the same time and she was screaming for an hour!โ
Guy #3 says โamateurs! I fucked my wife for 15 seconds, came on the curtains, and she’s still screaming at me!โ
Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.
She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.
Two girls meet:
“Me and my husband are no longer together…”
“Why?”
“Well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job, and always cusses?”
“No, of course, I couldn’t!”
“Well, he couldn’t either!”
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says…
“You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a blowjob?’ … and she’s always sound asleep.”
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Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating.
She said: “How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?”
I replied: “He can smell she is ready . That’s how nature works.”
We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.
Again my girlfriend asked: “How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?”
I replied: “It’s nature. He can smell she is ready.”
We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.
My girlfriend said: “This is odd. They are really going at it. Surely the bull can’t smell when she is ready?”
I said: “Oh, yes; it’s nature . All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex.”
Anyway, after the walk, I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye.
She said: “Take care and get yourself checked out for Covid-19. You seem to have lost your sense of smell.”
When I was growing up, # was pound, not hashtag
Good thing it changed, since “pound metoo” would’ve been sending the wrong message.