Engineer (16 jokes)
Actually, Fahrenheit is the name of the scientist; Fahrenheit’s Monster is the name of the unit of measurement.🔗View joke
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be a programmer,” said the balloonist.
“I am” replied the woman,”How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”
The woman below responded, “You must be a manager.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the woman, “You don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow it’s my fault.”
An engineer dies and goes to hell.
He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what’s up? The Devil says, “Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer.”
“What?” says God. “An engineer? I didn’t send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately.”
The Devil responds, “No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him.”
God demands, “If you don’t send him to me immediately, I’ll sue!”
The Devil laughs. “Where are you going to get a lawyer?”
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”.
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week”.
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want”.
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The engineer said, “Look , I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that’s cool”.
Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives.
Now a simple mathematical proof that explains why this is true.
- Postulate 1: Knowledge is power
- Postulate 2: Time is money.
As every engineer knows,
Work / Time = Power.
Knowledge = Power, and
Time = Money, we have
Work / Money = Knowledge.
Solving for money, we get:
Work / Knowledge = Money
Thus, as knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity regardless of the work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.🔗View joke
Few things unite an engineering team like mutual distaste for Jira🔗View joke
Fox News: “Why did America waste money landing on a comet?”
Scientist: “This is a European mission.”
Fox News: “Why didn’t America get there first?”
Isn’t it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?
It’s stupid. You don’t hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.
My day job is to speak in an arcane snake language to a crystal vibrating at 3,000,000,000 cycles per second sitting in a cloud so that it can alter probabilities in the real world. If that isn’t magic what is.🔗View joke