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Sports (10 jokes)
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A golfer hits a ball and it misses the green by inches.
His partner says, “Thatโs called a son-in-law shot. It is not what you expected, but you will take it”
A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, “Who would ever miss the World Cup final?โ
The guy replies, “Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.โ
The man says back, “That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?โ
The guy says, “No. They’re all at the funeral.”
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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says:
“I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?” No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spotโฆ
Finally, one man says, “Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m.”
He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay.”
She’s there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She’s fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.
They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30, or 6:45.”
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.
Only this time, she plays left-handed.
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They’re totally amazed.
They can’t figure her out.
She’s very pleasant and a gracious winner.
They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.
This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”
The lady blushes, and grins. “When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous.” she replies. “I like to switch back and forth.”
“When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.”
The guys think this is hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”
She says, “Then, I’m fifteen minutes late.”
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For an experiment, my son has been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he’s been spat at, verbally abused, and punched…
God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.
Last year a guy took his Blonde girl friend to the Superbowl
They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was… ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like… Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!”
There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.
News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestlers legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.
John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, โThis Russian has a move called the Mongolian Death Grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian Death Grip. DO NOT let him get you in the Mongolian Death Gripโ
The day of the match finally came. Just before each wrestler stepped onto the mat in front of the capacity crowd, the coach once again said, โWhatever you do, do not let him get you in the Mongolian death grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian death gripโ.
Four seconds into the match, the Russian had the American in the Mongolian death grip. The coach buried his face into his hands and cursed John for not listening to his advice. All of the sudden he heard the crowd irrupt in a chant of USA USA USA. He looked up and saw the Russian pinned by John. The coach ran out to meet John and embarrassingly told him, โI didn’t see… Once he had you in the Mongolian Death Grip I looked away. How in the world did you get out of the Mongolian death grip?โ
With heavy breath, John told him โWell coach, that Russian grabbed me and twisted my body in ways I never imagined possible. I was wincing in pain when I open my eyes and right in front of me were two testicles. So I bit them.โ
โWhat???โ Said the coach… โJohn I don’t think that is legal. You could be disqualifiedโ
โI don’t know about that coach. But I can tell you one thing. You ain’t got no idea how strong you are until you bite your own balls”
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The year is 2027 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.
A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,
‘So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?’
‘I don’t think so. It’s a 16 hour drive, your mother isn’t as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.’
‘Don’t worry about it Daddy, I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. A limousine will pick you up at your door.’
‘I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?’
‘Oh, Daddy’, replies the president-elect, ‘I’ll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom made by the best designer in Washington .’
‘Honey,’ Dad complains, ‘you know I can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.’
The President-to-be responds, ‘Don’t worry Daddy. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in Washington , I’ll ensure your meals are salt free Daddy, I really want you to come.’
So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2021, the first woman from Alabama is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sit the new president’s Dad and Mom. Dad leans over to the Supreme Court Justice sitting next to him and whispers, ‘You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States .’
The Justice whispers back, ‘Yes I do.’
Daddy says proudly, ‘Her brother played football for the University of Alabama’.
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- What’s the difference between a hipster and a football player?
- A football player showers.