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Geriatry (16 jokes)

A group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive, the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

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A husband notices his wife's hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.
โ€œI can't speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old ageโ€ he says to the doc.

โ€œThere's a simple trick you can try to determine her hearingโ€ explains the doctor. โ€œSimply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn't hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she doesโ€.

That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, โ€œwhat a perfect opportunity to test her hearingโ€.

He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;
โ€œWhat's for dinner honey?โ€

No answer. He moves closer.
โ€œWhat's for dinner honey?โ€

Still no answer. He moves even closer.
โ€œWhat's for dinner honey?โ€

Still his wife doesn't answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
โ€œWhat's for dinner honey?โ€
โ€œFOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE'RE HAVING CHICKENโ€

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An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, โ€œWhere are you going?โ€ He replied, โ€œTo the kitchen.โ€ She asked, โ€œWill you get me a bowl of ice cream?โ€ He replied, โ€œSure.โ€ She then asked him, โ€œDon't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?โ€ He said, โ€œNo, I can remember that.โ€

She then said, โ€œWell I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that.โ€ He said, โ€œI can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.โ€ She replied, โ€œWell I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.โ€

With irritation in his voice, he said, โ€œI don't need to write that down! I can remember that.โ€ He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: โ€œI TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!โ€

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A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing"...

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A young lad was with his grandfather in the garden, when they spotted a worm emerge from its burrow and begin to crawl across the ground. The old man turned to the kid and said:
"I'll give you a pound if you can put that worm back into its burrow."

The lad tried, but could not manage the task. Then he took the worm indoors, returning a moment later with it as stiff as a pencil, and proceeded to put the worm back whence it had originated. The old man, amazed at this, handed over a pound then asked the boy how he had accomplished the seemingly impossible task.

"Simple", said the boy, "I just sprayed the worm with my sister's hair spray."

The next day, the old man gave the boy five pounds. The lad asked why, since he had already received a pound for his ingenuity.
"Oh", said his grandad, "that's from your grandmother.".

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Happy 60th birthday. At last, you can live undisturbed by life insurance agents!

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How many Alzheimer's patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side.
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I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.

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My wife said to me "If I ever get Alzheimers I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"
I said "Thats the fifth time you've said that today"

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Old people who can fix cars, make clothes and build furniture think young people are good at technology because they can click on a picture.

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