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Family (70 jokes)

A child asks his father what "gay" means
The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?"
The father laughs and says "no son: I have a wife".

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A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant so they go to see a priest for advice.

The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for ten years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a candle for you,' he promises.
Time passes and the priest returns to the little town after 10 years. The first thing he does is visit the couple's home. He can hear a crazy loud noise when he knocks on the door. The wife opens the door; three little children on her arms, a couple of them hiding under her skirt, and others behind her playing around. The priest counts as many as ten of them!
'Well this is quite a pleasant surprise,' exclaims the priest. 'It seems like God listened to my prayer. But where is your dear husband?'
'My husband traveled to Rome,' says the wife with a tired look on her face.
'To Rome? Why on earth would he go to Rome?'
'To blow out that bloody candle you lit!'

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A family went to a nudist camp for their vacation.

The young son came back to the tent and said, "Wow, Mom! You should see some of those girls. They've got these HUGE..."
"Yes, well," his mother sniffs. "The larger they are, the dumber the woman."

Next day the boy comes back to the tent again. "You wouldn't believe some of the guys out there. They have these HUGE..."
"Yes, well, like I said, the bigger they are, the dumber the man."
"Really?" the boy said, frowning with puzzlement. "We might be in trouble, Mom."
"Why, honey?"
"Because Dad's out there talking to a really stupid girl, and he's getting dumber by the minute."

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A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex.

The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy." "OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.

The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex. The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.

His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?" Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby." His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

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A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies โ€œI just did some homework.โ€ The robot slaps the son. The son then says โ€œOkay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.โ€

Dad asks โ€œWhat movie were you watching?โ€ The son replies โ€œFinding Nemoโ€. The robot slaps the son. He then says โ€œOkay, okay. We were watching porn.โ€

Dad said โ€œWhat?! At your age I didn't know what porn was.โ€ The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says โ€œWow. He certainly is your son.โ€

The robot slaps the mother.

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After 3 years, the wife starts to think that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What's up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.
Husband: Well don't you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had a wet diaper and you said, โ€œHoney, go change the baby, I'll wait for you here.โ€

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

โ€œYou rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!โ€

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A guy takes up a new job.
On Monday he calls in and says, โ€˜I can't come in today, I'm sick.' He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, โ€˜I can't come in today, I'm sick.'

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, โ€˜He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him.'

So the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, โ€˜You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?'

The guy replies, โ€˜No I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure she's alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know I'm fucking her.'

The boss says, โ€˜You fuck your sister?'

The guy replies, โ€˜Hey, I told you I was sick.'

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A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "You know if you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick I wouldn't have to listen to that tapping." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the fucking bus".

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A little girl asks her father:
โ€” Daddy, what is corruption?
โ€” Go bring me a beer and I'll tell you.
โ€” But mommy said you should stop drinking!
โ€” Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.
โ€” Oh, okay!

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