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Family (73 jokes)
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My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning.
It’s a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
โYou’re coming home now!โ she screamed.
โNo, I’m not,โ I laughed.
She said, โI’m talking to the kids.โ
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One day, a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can’t do it because he’s her half brother.
The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, โMomโฆ What have you been doing all your life? Dad’s been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can’t marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!โ
Her mom replies, โDon’t worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn’t really your dad.โ
Raise your children, and you get to spoil your grandkids.
Spoil your children, and you get to raise your grandkids.
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Son:ย “Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?”
Father:ย “Sure son. What’s the question?”
Son:ย “What is Politics?”
Father:ย “Well, let’s take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let’s call me “Capitalism”. your mother is the administrator of money, so we’ll call her “Government”. We take care of your need, so let’s call you “The People”. We’ll call the maid “The Working Class” and your little brother, we can call “The Future”. Do you understand son?
Son:ย “I’m not really sure, dad. I’ll have to think about it.”
That night awakened by his brother’s crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents’ room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid’s room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy’s knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.
Son:ย “Dad, now I think i understand what politics is.”
Father:ย “Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?”
Son:ย “Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.”
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Son: “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”
Mom: Stares at Dad
Dad: Clenches fist
Mom: “Don’t!”
Dad: Sweats Profusely
Mom: “…”
Dad: “HI GAY, I’M DAD”
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife…
Thank you for everything, Mom.
The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them “Scraps”. They started crying. Spoiled brats, it’s really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.
And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
โThere’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
“An ambulance just drove by!”
“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.
“Matt’s riding a new bike!”
“Looks like the Sanders are moving!”
“Jason is on his skate board!”
After a few moments he announced, “The Coopers are having sex!!”
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
“How do you know they’re having sex?”
“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”
The year is 2027 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.
A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,
‘So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?’
‘I don’t think so. It’s a 16 hour drive, your mother isn’t as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.’
‘Don’t worry about it Daddy, I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. A limousine will pick you up at your door.’
‘I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?’
‘Oh, Daddy’, replies the president-elect, ‘I’ll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom made by the best designer in Washington .’
‘Honey,’ Dad complains, ‘you know I can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.’
The President-to-be responds, ‘Don’t worry Daddy. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in Washington , I’ll ensure your meals are salt free Daddy, I really want you to come.’
So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2021, the first woman from Alabama is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sit the new president’s Dad and Mom. Dad leans over to the Supreme Court Justice sitting next to him and whispers, ‘You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States .’
The Justice whispers back, ‘Yes I do.’
Daddy says proudly, ‘Her brother played football for the University of Alabama’.
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