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Family (73 jokes)
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Today my son asked, “Can you lend me a book mark?”
I immediately burst into tears.
Twelve years old and he doesn’t know my name is Brian.
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Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home.
I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst.
- What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?
- I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.
“What does gay mean?” asked a son to his father.
“It means ‘happy,’” the father answered.
“Oh,” replied the son, “so are you gay, then?”
“No, son, I have a wife.”
When I was 12, I was signing a card for my grandma and I wrote:
You’re a great grandma
She lost her shit cause she thought I was telling her I was pregnant.
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When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa…
The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad
When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.
He said, “Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.”
While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.
Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn’t like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian’s she didn’t like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn’t. I drank it.
I thought maybe she’d like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson’s; nope!
In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar’s finest scotch. She wouldn’t even smell it. What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized she just didn’t like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!!!