Family (73 jokes)

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put under a god damn tarp in the god damn shed.”

Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny’s parents aside and said “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.”

His parents replied “We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We’ve tried everything.”

Santa thought about it and said “Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asked for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.”
The parents agreed to try Santa’s plan.

On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath.

Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door.

Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop.

Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while his parents asked him sarcastically “So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?”

Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said “I think I got a god damned dog, but I can’t find the motherfucker!”

• 🐪 Animals
• 🎅 Christmas

Dads are like boomerangs.
I hope.

Dad: Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.
Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic
Dad: Never said I was a good one

• 🪖 Military

Daughter: “Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?”
Father: “Ask your sister.”
Daughter: “I don’t have a si-“

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other—two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh

• 🌈 LGBT
• 🍆 Sex

Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”?
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

For an experiment, my son has been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he’s been spat at, verbally abused, and punched…
God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

• 🏐 Sports

“Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?”
“Because your mum loves easter and it’s an anagram of easter !”
“Thanks dad !”
“No problem Alan”

I asked my mother if I was a gifted child.

She said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.

• 💰 Money

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.
It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.