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Family (73 jokes)
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I had the best Dad moment last night:
Son: Dad… how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two. You have two, son.
Son: Nope… I have four. point to belly Two kidneys here… points to legs …and two kid knees here!
The student has become the teacher.
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I made my bed and found a half eaten butter stick in it.
When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it”.
The mystery continues.
In 1920, we took children out of the coal mines,
In 2020, the most popular video game on the market is Minecraft.
The children yearn for the mines
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I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
He considered that for a moment before replying, “Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States.”
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It is winter, and two neighbors are standing and talking.
โYou need to have a serious talk with your son - on Saturday night he had urinated on my lawn, while writing his name in the snow…
โCโmon, he’s young, it’s something all young people do nowadays.
โYes but, it was my DAUGHTER’s handwriting!
I was passing by my son’s bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ‘Dad’. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands…
🔗View jokeDear Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing’s, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.
But it’s not only the passion, dad.She’s pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.
We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!
Don’t worry dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.
I’m over at Jason’s house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home!
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said “you are the best sister ever” and walked away. The girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life.
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Little Johnny’s neighbour just had a baby. Sadly, the baby was born without any ears…
When the mum and baby came back home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a chat with him and explained how the baby had no ears.
Johnny’s dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the hiding of his life when they came back home!!
Little Johnny told his dad he understood and agreed not to mention the baby’s lack of ears.
Johnny looks and says “Wow, what a beautiful baby.”
The mother replies, ‘Why, Thanks Johnny.”
Johnny says: “He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Is he able to see alright?”
“Yes”, says the mum, “we are so grateful, the Doctor said he will have perfect vision.”
“That is great”, says Little Johnny, “cause he’d be stuffed if he needed glasses!”
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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom.
He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed’s headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, ‘You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life”.
Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny’s room only to find it’s empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind. Dad screams. Johnny turns around, looks at him and says “Yeah, not so funny when it’s your mom huh?”
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