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Family (73 jokes)
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Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.
Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, “Mom, I know everything.”
Mom shushes him and gives him $10.
“Just don’t tell Dad” she says.
Hey, it’s working thinks Little Johnny.
An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: “Dad, I know everything.”
Dad gives Johnny $100. “Don’t tell Mom”, he says.
Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. “I know everything, Mister.”
The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says:
“Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug.”
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
“Whom, sweetheart?”
“Mike the mailman.”
“Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!”
“But mom, age is just a number.”
“Sweetheart, I don’t think you understood.”
My daughter asked why she can’t just quit school. I told her it’s against the law and they’ll put me in jail.
So my sweet sweet child looked me in the eye and said “I’ll visit you”.
My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My husband and son are getting competitive while playing games.
Husband said” I fucked your mom”
To which my son replied” I have been deeper inside her than you’ll ever be”
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My son came home as I was taking his door off its hinges and asked โDad what are you doing?โ
โWe’ve updated our privacy policyโ
My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him…
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
My wife beamed at me with pride and said, โWow! I never thought our son would go that far!โ
I said, โThis trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.โ