Scotland (4 jokes)
An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.
They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?”
The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?”
The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”
An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream.
A passing shepherd calls out “Dinnae drink frae that, it’s all fulla coo piss an shite!”
The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent “I’m terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen’s English?”
And the shepherd says “I’m terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?”
Scotsman, Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar
Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, “As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”
“Well,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”
“Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!”
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, “Did this actually happen to you?”
“Not to me, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”
Three people, a Welshman, a Scotsman and an Englishman, are walking along together when they come across a genie.
The genie offers them three wishes.
The Scotsman goes first, saying, “I want a wall across the Scottish/English border to stop the English from coming into my beautiful country!”
The genie grants his wish and the Scotsman disappears.
The Englishman goes next, saying, “I want a wall to surround England to keep everyone from invading my proud country!”
The genie grants his wish and he, too, disappears.
The Welshman asks the genie to tell him about the wall. The genie replies, “it’s 200 meters tall and surrounds all of England.” The Welshman asks if it blocks off the coast too and the genie nods.
The Welshman then says, “fill it with water.”