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Lawyer (22 jokes)
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A 50-year-old lawyer who had been practicing since he was 25 passed away and arrived at the Pearly Gates for judgment.
The lawyer said to St. Peter, “There must be some mistake! I’m only 50 years old, that’s far too young to die.” St. Peter frowned and consulted his book. “That’s funny, when we add up your billing records, you should be at least 83 by now!”
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A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads “GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.”
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: “I have lost my sense of taste.”
Chinese: “Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient’s mouth.”
Lawyer: “Ugh. this is kerosene.”
Chinese: “Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me my $20.”
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to try to recover his money.
Lawyer: “I have lost my memory. I can’t remember anything.”
Chinese: “Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 14 and put 3 drops in his mouth.”
Lawyer (annoyed): “This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.”
Chinese: “Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.”
The fuming lawyer pays him, then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: “My eyesight has become very weak I cannot see at all.”
Chinese: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this $100.”
Lawyer (staring at the note): “But this is $20, not $100!”
Chinese: “Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20”
A guy asked a girl in a university library: “Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice: “NO! I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”
All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed.
After a while the girl walked quietly over to the guy’s table and said: “I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT’S TOO MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered “I guess you felt bad for what you did earlier, right? I study law; I know how to make someone feel guilty.”
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A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeemer!!!” he shrieked.
“You lawyers are so materialistic it’s amazing!!!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”
“Oh no….” replied the lawyer, looking down and noticing for the first time the bloody stump where his left arm had once been.
“Where’s my Rolex???”
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A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
A man was sent to hell for his sins.
As he was being led into the pits for an eternity of torment, he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman.
“What a joke!” he said. “I have to roast in flames for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman.”
Satan jabbed the man with his pitchfork and snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
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A man went to a lawyer and asked what his fee was.
“$100 for three questions,” answered the lawyer.
“Isn’t that a little steep?” said the man.
“Yes,” said the lawyer. “Now, what’s your third question?”
An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him.
The Devil made him an offer. “I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul, the souls of your children, your parents, grandparents, and those of all the your friends.”
The lawyer thought about it for a moment, then asked, “But what’s the catch?”
An engineer dies and goes to hell.
He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what’s up? The Devil says, “Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer.”
“What?” says God. “An engineer? I didn’t send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately.”
The Devil responds, “No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him.”
God demands, “If you don’t send him to me immediately, I’ll sue!”
The Devil laughs. “Where are you going to get a lawyer?”
A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car that breaks down in the countryside one evening.
They walk to a nearby farm and the farmer tells them it’s too late for a tow truck but he has only two extra beds and one of them will have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu says, “I’m humble, I’ll sleep in the barn.”
But minutes later he returns and knocks on the door and says, “There is a cow in the barn. It’s against my beliefs to sleep in the same building as a cow.”
So the rabbi says, “It’s okay, I’ll sleep in the barn.”
But soon, he is back knocking on the door as well, saying, “There is a pig in the barn, and I cannot shelter in a building with a pig.”
So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn.
Shortly, there is another knock on the door and the farmer sighs and answers it. It’s the pig and the cow.