Lawyer (22 jokes)

A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared he was losing the case and asked his senior partner if he should send a box of cigars to the judge to curry favor.
The senior partner was horrified. “The judge is an honorable man,” he said, “If you do that, I guarantee you’ll lose the case!”

Eventually, the judge ruled in the young lawyers favor.
“Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior partner asked.
“Oh, I did send them,” the younger lawyer replied. “I just enclosed my opponents business card with them.”

Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I want a world without lawyers.
Genie: Done. That concludes your wishes.
Me: But you said I have 3 wishes?
Genie: Sue me.

• 🧞 Genie and wishes

How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?
Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 men of course!

Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran inside the restaurant so l followed him.

What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

Taller.

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father in law

• ✝️ Christian
• 🤷‍♀️ In-laws

What separates witnesses from the lowest form of life on earth?

The wooden partitions around the witness stand.

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer might let a case drag on for several years. A good lawyer knows how to make it last even longer.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

• 🏩 Prostitute

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a jellyfish?

One is a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.