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Jew (15 jokes)
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A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah’s Witness are lost.
They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.
“I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn,” says the Farm Owner.
The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it’s no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.
“I’m sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me.”
“No problem,” says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. “There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings.”
“I will go then, friends,” says the Jehovah’s Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It’s the cow and the pig.
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A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god.
The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn’t laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, “I guess you had to be there to understand”.
A Jewish man decides his son isn’t religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.
When the son comes back, however, he says he’s a Christian now.
The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says “that’s funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian.”
The two men decide they should speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation, the rabbi says “that’s funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian.”
The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud “dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian.”
God’s voice booms down “that’s funny…”
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A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.
“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.
“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.
The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”
“I’m learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham,” replies the old man.
“How do you know you’re going to heaven? What if you go to hell?” asks the KGB agent.
“I already speak Russian.”
A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.
Looking at the barman, he says, “A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there.”
As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back.
The Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar
“Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf”
Nazi looks again at the Jew, and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before
“Is that Jew a complete fool or what?” he asks the barman
Bartender responds: “Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar”
A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.
Of course they’re swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don’t have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face.
He says, “rabbi! What are you doing!”
The rabbi says, “in my community, they recognize me by my face.”
A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank
The rabbit says : I think I might be a type O.
Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god.
God:”You already know you’re going to hell, but before that I’ll give you one wish.”
Hitler:”Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man.”
God:”Why the Swedish man?”
Hitler:”I knew you didn’t give a fuck about the Jews.”
It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.