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Jew (15 jokes)
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On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:
— Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no?
— Sure I was, Moshe.
— When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no?
— I was, Moshe.
— And now you’re at my death bed, aren’t you?
— I am, darling.
— I’m starting to think you’re bad luck, Sarah.
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they’d have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a ‘silent’ debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. “I don’t have a clue!!!” the Rabbi said. “First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here.”
“And then what?” asked a woman. “Who knows…” said the Rabbi. “He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!”
The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta.
The cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the rabbi what was happening; “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.” The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you buy this cow from Alberta?” The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. “You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?”
The rabbi answered sadly, “My wife is from Alberta.”
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Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says “Convert to Christianity, and we’ll give you $100.”
The one says to the other, “should we do it??”
The other says “NO!! Are you crazy?”
The first guy replies “Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars… I’m gonna do it.”
So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out.
The friend says “well, did you get the money?”
He replies “Oh that’s all you people think about, isn’t it??”
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