Cheating (37 jokes)

A college professor noticed that one of his students, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention.
So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: “Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer”.

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:

“Dave, is that you?”.

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A family went to a nudist camp for their vacation.

The young son came back to the tent and said, “Wow, Mom! You should see some of those girls. They’ve got these HUGE…”
“Yes, well,” his mother sniffs. “The larger they are, the dumber the woman.”

Next day the boy comes back to the tent again. “You wouldn’t believe some of the guys out there. They have these HUGE…”
“Yes, well, like I said, the bigger they are, the dumber the man.”
“Really?” the boy said, frowning with puzzlement. “We might be in trouble, Mom.”
“Why, honey?”
“Because Dad’s out there talking to a really stupid girl, and he’s getting dumber by the minute.”

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A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies โ€œI just did some homework.โ€ The robot slaps the son. The son then says โ€œOkay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.โ€

Dad asks โ€œWhat movie were you watching?โ€ The son replies โ€œFinding Nemoโ€. The robot slaps the son. He then says โ€œOkay, okay. We were watching porn.โ€

Dad said โ€œWhat?! At your age I didn’t know what porn was.โ€ The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says โ€œWow. He certainly is your son.โ€

The robot slaps the mother.

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What’s up?” he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,”Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

โ€œYou rotten bastard,” says the husband,”my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!!!โ€

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A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant
He goes to the bartender and asks “how much for a beer?” The bartender replies “$1”. The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender “Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?” The Bartender reply’s “$5”.

The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says “Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place”. The bartender then says “Oh well, he’s upstairs in his office with my wife”.

The guy looks all confused then asks “What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?”
The bartender then says “The same thing I’m doing to his business”.

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: โ€ŸDark in here.โ€
Man: โ€ŸYes it’s.โ€
Boy: โ€ŸI have a baseball.โ€
Man: โ€ŸThat’s nice.โ€
Boy: โ€ŸWant to buy it?โ€
Man: โ€ŸNo, thanks.โ€
Boy: โ€ŸThat’s my dad outside.โ€
Man: โ€ŸHow much did you say the baseball was again?โ€
Boy: โ€Ÿ$250.โ€

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy: โ€ŸDark in here.โ€
Man: โ€ŸYes, it’s..โ€
Boy: โ€ŸI have a baseball glove.โ€
Man: โ€ŸThat’s nice.โ€
Boy: โ€ŸWant to buy it?โ€
Man: โ€ŸNo, thanks.โ€
Boy: โ€ŸI think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.โ€
Man: โ€ŸHow much did you say the glove was again?โ€
Boy: โ€Ÿ$750.โ€
Man: โ€ŸFine.โ€

A few days later, the father says to the boy, โ€ŸGrab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!โ€
The boy says, โ€ŸI can’t. I sold them.โ€
The father asks, โ€ŸHow much did you sell them for?โ€
The son says, โ€Ÿ$1,000.โ€
The father says, โ€ŸIt’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.โ€

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, โ€ŸDark in here.โ€
The priest says, โ€ŸDo not start that shit again.โ€

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A little girl says to her mother: “Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around”
“Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.”

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet - I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”

“Well,” says the little girl, “Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole.”
“Clever girl,” purrs Mummy. “What could you see through the keyhole?”
“I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other’s clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her.”
“Yes?” says Mummy. “And then what happened?”
“Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year,” says the little girl confidently.

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A man is sitting in a cafe.
Suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting “Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest”.

The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair.
The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened.
The man says “this son of a bitch was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don’t even know the guy”.

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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.
Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
“You kicked in the door when you couldn’t get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants.”
“Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?”
“When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, ‘Get your hands off me! I’m married!’”

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A man walks into a bar…
The bartender asks “Why the long face?”

The man replies “I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I’ve decided I’m going to drink myself to death.”
The bartender looks shocked and says “I’m sorry I can’t help you kill yourself.”

The man asks “Well what would you do in my situation?”
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says “If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself, I’d kill the guy.”
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts “That’s a great idea! Thanks!” and runs out of the bar.

A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
“Did you kill the guy?” The bartender asks nervously.
“Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please.”

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