Cheating (37 jokes)

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a hitman who charges $10,000 a bullet
The man says “Aren’t you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?”
The hitman replies “Yeah, thats me.”
The man says “I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the penis.”
The hitman accepts the offer, and the man gives him the name of the hotel they are staying at.

They both arrive at the hotel, and climb to the roof of a building next to it.
The hitman aims at the window of the wife’s hotel room.
The man says to the hitman “Why are you taking so long? Go ahead and take the shot!” The hitman says, “Be patient. I’m trying to save you $10,000.”

• 🍆 Sex

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon’s activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.

“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.

“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar! You’ve been playing golf!”

“Am I adopted?”

Fred came home from University in tears.
“Mum, am I adopted?”
“No of course not”, replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.
Perturbed, his mother called her husband. “Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and… and… I don’t know how to say this… he may not be our son.”
“Well, obviously!” he replied.
“What do you mean?”
“It was your idea in the first place” her husband continued. “You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him. I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred.”

• 👪 Family

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.

• 🍺 Alcohol

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.”
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

“She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.”

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote…

“I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in five minutes.

• 👫 Man and woman

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”

He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”

When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”
“Very good,” she replies.
“And what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” she asks.
“The one I asked for - an Italian girl!”
“Oh, that. I did what I could. We’ll just have to wait nine months to see if it’s a girl.”

• 👫 Man and woman

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, ‘Do you have a vagina?’
She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, ‘Do you have a vagina’?
She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, ‘Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again’

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, ‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it’

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. ‘Do you have a vagina’?
‘Yes’ she says.
The man replied, ‘That’s great! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?’

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”

They went to sleep and then around three o’clock in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and came back with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

“Here,” he said to the statue, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.”

Husband: I have cheated once
Wife: me too.
husband: 1st of Apriii….
Wife: 18th of June

I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sex
Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away

• 🍆 Sex