I came, I clicked,
Cheating (37 jokes)
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โI can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,โ my wife screamed at me. โI’m really disappointed.โ
โYou can hardly blame me,โ I answered. โIt’s not like I was getting any from you.โ
โWell, that’s your own fault,โ she replied. โYou never told me you were willing to pay for it.โ
I’m divorcing my wife.
First it was the poolboy, then the mailman, her ex-boyfriend, and my best friend. It’s pretty clear…
I just really love dick.
I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in
She said, “You can’t do this to me!”
I said, “I know… that’s why I’m doing it to her.”
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Jack goes to his buddy Bob:
“I’m sleeping with the priest’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?”
The friend doesn’t like it but being a buddy, he agrees.
After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he’s really up to.
Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest…
“My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied. I’m so sorry.”
The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob’s shoulder and says…
“You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago”.
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the
door if they could spend the night.
‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained. ‘I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.’
‘Don’t worry,’ John said. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’ The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined
that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, ‘Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about nine months ago?’
‘Yes, I do.’ Said Keith.
‘Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?’
‘Well, um, yes!,’ Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, ‘I have to admit that I did.’
‘And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?’
Keith’s face turned beet red and he said, ‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?’
‘She just died and left me everything.’
Like the ski resort full of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
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Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.
Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, “Mom, I know everything.”
Mom shushes him and gives him $10.
“Just don’t tell Dad” she says.
Hey, it’s working thinks Little Johnny.
An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: “Dad, I know everything.”
Dad gives Johnny $100. “Don’t tell Mom”, he says.
Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. “I know everything, Mister.”
The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says:
“Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug.”
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
“Whom, sweetheart?”
“Mike the mailman.”
“Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!”
“But mom, age is just a number.”
“Sweetheart, I don’t think you understood.”
My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says โStay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.โ
Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.
She asks โDo you want to have sex before she gets back?โ
I got up and went straight to my car.
My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said โI knew I could trust you.โ
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
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My wife was dying.
I was by her bedside.
She said in a tired voice, “There’s something I must confess.”
“Shhh” I said, “There’s nothing to confess. Everything’s alright.”
“No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father.”
“I know,” I whispered, “That’s why I poisoned you.”