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Man and woman (113 jokes)

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.
Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
“You kicked in the door when you couldn’t get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants.”
“Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?”
“When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, ‘Get your hands off me! I’m married!’”

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A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says:
“Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow, what a guy!”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

The passenger takes a minute to think about all this. Finally, he asks:
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.”

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A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition.

On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: “So, honey? How’s my mom doing?”
He replies: “She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!”
“Wow that’s amazing!”, says the wife, “But this is very strange, dear… yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!”
“Well, I don’t know how she was yesterday. But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst”

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A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.
During his meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there’s more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mom’s thought, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.”

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver plate. You don’t suppose your mother took it, do you?”

He said, “Well I doubt it, but l’ll email her just to be sure!”

He sat down and wrote,

Dear mom,
After your visit me, the silver plate has been missing.
I’m not saying that you did take the silver plate from my house, and I’m not saying that you don’t take it,
but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Your son.

Several days later, he received an email from his mother which read:

Dear Son,
I’m not saying that you do sleep with your roommate, and I’m not saying that you don’t sleep with her: but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.
Love,
Mom

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Anybody on here with knowledge regarding noisy dishwashers?
I’ve tried flowers, chocolate and wine, but she’s still whining.

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A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan.

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day’s meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

‘I’m afraid not, sir,’ the clerk told him apologetically, ‘but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.’

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, ‘Manicures, $20.00.’

‘Why not?’ thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, ‘This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.’

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit… which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.
“Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”
“Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”
Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

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A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.” 

He turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?”

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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house.

She asks her husband, “Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? “, the husband says “Do i look like a plumber?”
She asks him “Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?”, he replies “Do i look like and electrician?”
Growing tired she asks him “Can you at least mow the lawn?” again he replies “Do I look like a gardener?, now leave me alone I’ve got to go to work”.

When he comes back from work, the leak is fixed, the light has stopped flickering and the lawn has been cut perfectly, he turns to he wife, “How did you do all this?”
“You know fat Terry down the road, i called him and asked him to do it for me” the husband grows angry and says, “how much have you wasted now?”
“Nothing at all” she says “Terry said he would do it for a chocolate cake or a blowjob”
The husband smiles, “He does like his cake old Terry”, the wife replies “Do I look like a baker?”

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