I came, I clicked,
Doctor (50 jokes)
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The most awkward situation in urology occurs when a patient who is a few years post vasectomy comes in requesting a repeat semen analysis because their partner just got pregnant, the SA shows zero sperm and the patient is like, โwow I guess the child is a miracle.โ
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The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup…
I said, “Well, I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete just yet.”
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said, “I have a praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
(You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.)
“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”
(Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.)
“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
(All the men sighed with unified relief.)
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium.
He said, “I’m Tom Smith.” The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my wife — the word is sternum.”
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The patient says, โGive me the bad news first!โ
Doctor replies, โYou’ve got AIDS.โ
โOh, no! What could be worse than that?โ asks the patient.
โYou’ve also got Alzheimer’s Disease.โ
Looking relieved the patient says, โOhโฆWell, that’s not so bad. At least I don’t have AIDS.โ
The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors:
- How dense the population is
- How dense the population is
The worst moment at proctology college is the first time the instructor says, “Okay, everyone partner up.”
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Unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic
Because they are more likely to be dead.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.
What’s my mother going to do?
While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some testsย and tells the man to return in two days for the results.ย After two days, the doctor tells him,ย โI’ve got bad news for you, you have contracted Mongolian VD.ย It’s very rareย and almost unheard of here in the US. We know very little about it.”
The man perplexed asks, “Well, can’t you give me a shot or something to fix me up, Doc?”
The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We are going to haveย to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror,ย “Absolutely not !! I want a second opinion… !!!”
The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want,ย butย surgery is your only option.โ
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll knowย more about the disease.ย The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ahh… yes, Mongolian VD.ย Very rare disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what canย we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, “Stupid Amelican docttah, always want operate, make more money that way. No need amputate!”
“Oh, thank God!โ the man exclaims.
“Yes,โ says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself.”
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- Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?
- Because a cold never bothered her anyway.