I came, I clicked,
America (67 jokes)
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A Kickstarter where you donate yearly based on your income and they build roads and hospitals and your kids can go to school for free.
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America was not shut down properly.
Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare and without the guns?
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, โI want to be President one day.โ
Trump says, โAre you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?โ
The kid replies, โYou know what, Iโve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.โ
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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub.
The doorman stops them and says โsorry I canโt let you in without a Thaiโ.
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An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.
The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat.
The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English lady and was being used by her little dog.
The weary soldier asked, โPlease maโam, may I sit in that seat?โ
The English woman looked down her nose at the solider and sniffed then said, โYou Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Canโt you see that my little pooch is using that seat?โ
The soldier walked away, looking if there were any other unoccupied seats to use, but after another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself facing the woman with the dog again.
Again, the soldier asked, โPlease lady. May I sit there? Iโm very tired.โ
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted out loud, โYou Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also extremely arrogant!โ
The soldier didnโt say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The Woman, at a loss for words; shrieked, railed and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentlemen sitting across the aisle spoke up and said, โYou know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, youโve thrown the wrong bitch out the window!.โ
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A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. Heโs been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.
โBest day? Well, that mustโve been the day that Old Man Jones asked me for help. You see, his pretty little wife had wandered out and gotten lost in the bayou. So we put together a search party and went looking for her. Just before sundown, we found herโฆโ
This is great, thinks the reporter.
โ.. and then we all fucked her. Best damn day of my life.โ
โHoly shit,โ yells the reporter, โthatโs terrible. I canโt print that. Here, have another drink, and tell me about the second-best day of your life.โ
โSecond-best, huh? That mightโve been the day Jim Bobโs prize hog broke out of its pen and got lost in the bayou. He was mighty attached to that hog, so we put together a search party and went looking. Just before sunset we found it. Then, we all fucked it. Not as great as Mrs. Jones, but pretty damn good.โ
โDamn it, man, I canโt possibly print that story,โ says the reporter despairingly. He decides on a different tack. โHow about another drink, and you tell me about the worst day of your life?โ
Hillbillyโs face falls. โWorst day of my life? Well, that had to be the day I got lost in the bayouโฆโ
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A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors.
The Russian said, โI will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.โ
He calls a sailor over and says, โJump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.โ
The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes.
The Russian says, โThat, gentlemen, is courage.โ
The American says, โThatโs nothing.โ
He calls over a PO and says, โI want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return.โ
The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes.
The American says, โThat, gentlemen, is courage.โ
The British admiral says, โThatโs nothing. Sailor, come here.โ
The matelot comes to attention and salutes.
The admiral says, โI want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again.โ
The matelot looks at the admiral and says, โYou can fuck right off, sir!โ
The admiral turns to the other two and says, โAnd that, gentlemen, is courage.โ
As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there isnโt something trying to kill youโฆ
โSchoolโ is my answer.
Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.
After attracting the bartenderโs attention, the bartender says โOk, Iโll bite. Why are you invisible?โ
Barack says โWell, I found a bottle on the beach andโฆthen I rubbed it. And thenโฆimportantlyโฆA genie came out. The genie said I could haveโฆ3 wishes.โ
For my first wish, I said โLet me say this, and this is profoundly importantโฆI want Michelle to marry meโฆI love her,โฆand I think America will love her too.โ
That wish was granted.
For my second wish, I said โLike all patriotic Americans, I am deeply patrioticโฆand I want to be Presidentโฆof the United Statesโฆso I can serve my country.โ
That wish was granted too.
And then, for my third wish, I started by saying โLet me be clearโฆโ
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