Work (45 jokes)

Me: “How do I say this meeting is a waste of my time I am not paid enough to deal with your bullshit?”
Boss: “Can you provide me with a meeting agenda so I can ensure my presence adds value? I want to prioritize my schedule to support our most urgent needs.”

Me: “How do I say there is no way you are this fucking stupid?”
Boss: “I think there was a disconnect, can you restate your definition of this concept so we can ensure there’s no miscommunication?”

Me: “How do I say I am not your secretary?”
Boss: “I’m going to redirect you to (name) for assistance on this particular task.”

Me: “How do I say I have a goddamn PhD do not patronize me?”
Boss: “I appreciate the clarification, however I do have the subject matter expertise to manage this on my own.”

Me: “How do I say fight me?”
Boss: (deep sigh) “I think we should discuss this offline.”

Me: “How do I say you fucked around now you’re finding out?”
Boss: “I think you’ll find that this outcome is in line with the predictions we made during the (date) meeting.”

Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”
Interviewer: “I meant any questions about the job”

• 🍆 Sex

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

My boss: “You’re fired.”
Me: turns in gun and badge
My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”

• 🔫 Guns

One day the phone rang at an office and when the receptionist answered a man asked to speak to Mr. Dewey.
“I’m sorry, sir,” the receptionist said. “Mr. Dewey passed away yesterday.”
“Oh, is that right? Goodbye.”

But everyday for the next two weeks the same man called back and the same exchange occurred.
Finally, the receptionist said, “Sir, I have told you repeatedly that Mr. Dewey died, why do you keep calling and asking for him?”
“Oh,” the man replied, “I just like to hear it.”

Remember, Mondays are fine. It’s your life that sucks.

[sending text]
me: we still on for today?
boss: yes, of course, its your job. why do you do this every morning?

The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

TIL: “the reverse bus factor”: how many people should be hit by a bus for the team to be doing better.